almost-a-suicide

She was
almost a suicide
A girl drunk on lies
sold to her
by those she thought cared
for her

She paid for
their adoration
in years off her tomorrows
as she starved the life
from her very bones
painting her cheeks
pink and gold
to hide
the fact
she was running low
on breath
and blood

And we look almost younger
knowing all along
that this will never matter
but we will sell everything
for a chance at
trying to keep things
how they used to be

And children die on the inside
becoming adults who feel like ghosts
because they emptied out
to fill up again

But we all know
when we are starving
we don’t make the best choices

And discernment
is thrown to the wind
like grocery shopping
while hungry
We will reach for most anything
Shiny packages
of sweet nothings
fill baskets
and we pretend
not to see the others
doing the same

And that my friends
is a slower death
the kind we feign isn’t a suicide
An existence where paint never dries
and you are stuck watching
your own life pass you by

Wake up
I screamed
from somewhere far away
I was watching myself now
in the bathtub
letting the entire bottle
of soapy bubbles
empty
as the foam
took over everything
And I thought
maybe now
I will be clean

Maybe now
I will be free

And under I went
till the water was everything
And I remembered wanting
something more
I remember
when I was a very little girl
seeing rainbows in bubbles
and on the surface of puddles
tinted with just the littlest bit
of gasoline

And I remember
finding beauty
easily
even in the most
dirty, broken
things

So up I came
gasping now
fighting hard
for the part of me
that had given up
long ago

Laughing hard now
I thought
how silly
it is
to spend
my life
dying

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.