dangerously-close-to-jaded-1

A friend recently asked me
“If it was 3 years in the future
would you be happy with the choices
that this (previous) Emily made”

I know it is a good question for me
when I hate the question
when I feel irritated and resistant

I found myself
wanting to dismiss the question
wanting to scoff,
“what a stupid question”
but really
it stung
truthfully
I didn’t like the answer
Before I could even really ponder
I heard a resounding
no
No, I do not think
the future Emily would be pleased
with the decisions current Emily is making

But, if I hadn’t been asked
that question
I could have certainly justified
my current choices
knowing myself
and how I am committed
to not regretting
to learning what I can
to making good
to creating art out of everything

But
that doesn’t mean
I shouldn’t pay attention now
that doesn’t mean
it might not make sense
to do my best
to prevent some pain
(for a change)

Ironically
what I am compulsive about doing
when it comes to business
I refuse to do
when it comes to life

And so came the next question…
“If you, Emily, were a company
and you were the CEO of that company
would you be pleased with how you
are running it, running you…”

Eek!
Honestly, I think I would fire me

The truth is
I hate making decisions
and yet I make many a day
So many, big and little ones,
life changing ones,
and those that matter not much at all
in business

And so I admit
I can get sloppy
in my personal life
avoidant and neglectful
dare I say
lazy
and
reckless
(especially when it comes
to body and heart)

So he said
“What are you going to do?”

I was hoping he wouldn’t ask that
I don’t want to be accountable
right now
I don’t want to get clear or true
I don’t want to make decisions
or even know what I want to do

I feel the urge
to let it all fall apart
in a way that is wildly unfamiliar
to me

I have always been one
to hold things together
at all costs
knuckles white
fingers cramped
heart pounding
endless efforting

And I’m noticing
I am done with that
(at least for now)

I no longer care to use
my life force
to keep things
that no longer seem
meant for me
things that take
way more than they give

I never much
paid attention to that

After all
I had boundless energy
so never much needed
to pause and check in
about what things might be
costing me
And I admit
I get off
on the giving
I love extending
stretching always
my capacity

I like to think of myself
as limitless
with no need
for boundaries

Till now
I am weary
And dangerously
close to jaded

Lately my mortality
has been visiting me
and I am reminded
rather confrontingly
of how quickly it all goes
and how rapidly
everything can change
if not completely disappear

And I would like to know
that I did what was most true
to me

So here I go
and maybe you come with me

What do you want?
And who do you want to be?

Me, I am going to figure out
what I want to do
and then
I am going
to do that

Yes, that
that is what
I am going to do

And I hope you to do

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.