apologize-for-being-me

I apologize a lot for being me
Sometimes in overt ways
Sometimes in subtle ways
The other day I was mad
Really angry
I felt myself go under
The rage consumed all reason
And I sat there shaking
I was on the phone at the time
I was trying to quell the quiver in my voice
I was trying to regulate the surge of energy coursing through my body
As I said “No, no that is not at all what I am saying”

There is nothing I hate more
than being misunderstood
misinterpreted
And painfully I know, this is for sure going to happen many many a time in my life
When I am upset I repeat myself
A lot

So I said it again “No, no that is not at all what I am saying”
As if by saying the same words I would elicit a different response
I could feel his rage hit mine
And I felt us both go under

It is a rare occasion I can feel it happening, when I am actually aware of myself losing facility
But this time I saw it all

I was able to witness this part of myself take over
I could feel the heat build
And I began to breathe
It started more as a panting, but eventually I was breathing
And then
Then I was crying

He was still on the phone and I could feel him slowing down
I could feel him soften in my melting

Shame came
A familiar visitor

“I am so sorry” I said
So sorry
No, I am
“I am so sorry,” he said
There has clearly been a misunderstanding and we will take care of it
I can hear the fear in your voice, I heard it before and I am sorry for not listening

I was speechless
I was breathful
I was so sorry

Sorry for all the times I let this part of me get the better of me
Sorry for anger expressed
Sorry for anger unexpressed
Anger gets such a bad wrap
I get it, I do
It can be so scary
I am learning we each have a wildly different threshold for intensity

This has helped me tremendously
My intense and your intense are likely quite different

I remember the first time I heard someone say anger was just energy that we applied a label to
I didn’t understand it at the time
But now I do

And here is what I can say to you
Here is what has helped me through

I start breathing
Hard and slow
Deep and sweet
I put my hand on my heart
I close my eyes
I remember
I find space
And take time

I have not mastered this by any means
And I still lose my cool
But the more I practice this
The more I like myself
And that, that feels good

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.