the-ones-who-loves-the-most

A page from my journal
when I was just 15

Aside from death
I could think of nothing worse
than liking someone
more than they liked me
(and them knowing)

Which easily explains
my entire twenties

I was committed
to never showing
my underbelly
And it was a nearly
a full time job
hiding my feelings
and managing my expressions
I was always worlds away
from even those close to me
loneliness and longing
my most frequent company

And while I am stubborn
I am not stupid
So while not willing
to give up easily
I eventually concede
when things aren’t working for me

This never really worked for me

I have never been much good
at loving less
and so when
the one I loved
the most
left
almost hopeless
I thought
what if I didn’t try
and love less
next time
rather
what if I let myself love the most
what if I made it a competition
of who could love the most
At least then
even if the next one
didn’t want me
I would have won
At least if it was a loving competition
I wouldn’t feel like such an epic failure
for not being met there

And so I did…

Now I am pretty certain
it’s actually
the one who loves the most that wins
I had a teacher share that with me
when I was 27
and I remember thinking
she was crazy

But now
I believe

And while at times
it can be excruciating
to notice where I care
so much more
It’s also incredibly
freeing
to let the love
be exactly what it wants to be
as much as it wants to be

To no longer
try to calculate
how much you like me
so I can give you just as much
as you give me
so as to ensure
I am never the one
loving more

That my friends
is exhausting
not to mention
suffocating

And I want to breathe

May you find the best way
for you to breathe too

And if you are anything like me
I highly suggest
that at least for a bit
you let yourself love
as you wish to
regardless of how much
others love you

The one who loves the most
wins

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.