loving-that-is-true

They told me to be careful
I am always being told
some version of
slow down
take it easier
give it time
pay more attention
don’t let people in so quickly
don’t get ahead of yourself
be cautious, more calculated
stay sober, stop living in fantasy
keep your feet on the ground
and your chin up,
don’t be overly emotional
don’t give so much so soon

I am reckless
at times dangerous
mostly to myself
but then there always tends
to be some bruising
to those near to me

After all
when the foundation cracks
it shakes everything
and I tend to go deep quick
leaving much instability
which I could call
living passionately
but in all honesty
it can make quite
a mess of things

And even as I write this
I don’t imagine
I will change
Caution got tangled up
in the wind
so long ago
I wouldn’t even know
how to be cautious
if I wanted to be

I find myself wondering…
what does that look like anyway?
I imagine it being some version of
not saying what I mean
not sharing how I feel
not asking the questions burning in me
That seems more dangerous
than cautious to me
But I do often ponder
should I be more private
more guarded
should I test people more
should I act like I care less

I confess sometimes I do
test people, that is
I am not above tormenting
I found myself testing
someone close to me recently
I didn’t know I was doing it
until it got so tense
I had to yield
and look at
how I was showing up

I tend to pride myself
on being direct
more aggressive
than passive aggressive
But here I was
indirectly testing him
so insistently
it felt like truth to me
I didn’t see how
I was building one wall
after another
for him to dismantle
with words he didn’t know
to speak

I was deep in
so deep in
I didn’t even know
what I was doing

It’s like all the warnings
I had heard
so many times before
took over me
and I was trying to
slow down
be cautious
guard my heart
pull back
But with no real reason
except I was touching terror
and I made a mess
just to justify the fear
I was feeling

And wow did it work
the shock to my system
woke me up
from what felt like a bad dream

We get so many perspectives
crammed down our throats daily
The media
our family
dear friends
complete strangers
all have opinions
on how to be
especially when it comes to relationship
and loving

But if I am really honest
I don’t see many relationships
I would want to be in
I don’t see many marriages
I feel inspired by
I just am not so sure
we have any clue
what we are doing

And the more I try to conform
and do what others tell me to do
the faster I seem to lose my footing
and the more I feel
at risk
of losing me

And a fear creeps in
greater than the one of losing
those dear to me
A fear greater than losing
a boyfriend
or a lover
A fear that I would lose me
in the process of trying not to lose
he or she
A knowing that while losing
the one you love
is so incredibly painful
it is more painful to realize
that in the process
you lost yourself too

So again
I decide that caution
is not for me
not really
at least not
in the ways
that have me hiding
or dodging
intimacy
at least not in the ways
that have me
calculating what I should say
and how I should be

Because that kind of caution
isn’t for me
that kind of caution
tends to cost me
the things I hold
most dear

Real
raw
sincere
loving
that is true

Get clear on what is meaningful to you
Get honest about what you want
Get fiercely soft
or however you please

And stay congruent
stay aligned
with you
yes
please
do

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.