i_often_feel_self-conscious

i often feel self-conscious
about my relationship with nature
(especially since moving to boulder
and dating men who live to be outside)

i don’t live to be outside
i have more than once
gone a week
without leaving my house

i don’t like the unknown
i don’t like unpredictability
and nature seems to be both
of these in heaps

which is not to say
i don’t appreciate nature
i do, deeply
but in a different way
than so many of the people
around me (it seems)

growing up
i was a rather prolific artist
and my favorite subjects
were landscapes and flowers

i studied at the impressionist painting school
we would get up before the sun
take our easels down to the shore
and paint for hours
switching out canvases
each time the sunlight changed
doing our best to capture every nuance
of how the light hit the world
making everything shimmer and colors differ
moment to moment, teaching me to appreciate
such subtlety
with 20 different paintings
in progress at once
each one reflecting
a different lighting and color scheme

and i was obsessed with flowers
i loved traipsing through gardens
spending hours trying to capture
their delicate, striking beauty

art was my gateway to appreciating nature
and it has me relating to the great outdoors differently
than my friends
i’ve always felt self conscious about that
like there must be something wrong with me
for not feeling at home lying in the grass
or finally at peace swimming in the ocean

but i do
feel something
something different
something that
when i don’t judge it
for being different
from what i think i should be feeling
feels really
very good to me

and i felt it this morning
on our hike
off the path
into the woods

i felt honored by its beauty
and respect for its volatility
i felt admiration for its strength
and humility in the face of its power

it had me in awe
and i felt quiet
and at ease
being a little uneasy

and so today i am grateful
for nature
and for noticing when i compare
and when i can appreciate
and celebrate instead

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.