practice-the-pause1

I am learning
to value
different things
like friendship
fun and
deep connection

And I do
find myself worried
that I am going to regret
these choices

I do worry
that I may be squandering
precious professional opportunities
by choosing
not to open my laptop
Sunday morning
and dive in
as I used to

But something
has shifted for me
Not sure what it is
but what I do know is
I don’t want to do
anything
that doesn’t feel
meaningful
and true

I find
I don’t want
to achieve
just for the sake
of achieving
anymore

And I am amazed
that I no longer feel like
I have so much
to prove

I no longer
feel consumed with
the need to prove
my value
my intelligence
my worth
my care

I did a lot of
proving
(it informed
my every move)
And it had me
pushing myself
hard
the last 18 years
often to an extreme
well beyond reason
refusing to believe
limitations
had anything to do
with me

I pushed through
sickness
and dysfunction
that frankly should
have killed me

I pushed through
feelings
and heartbreak
that threatened
my will to live

I pushed through
mental and physical
exhaustion
that by any measure
were extreme
and clearly unhealthy

And I don’t want to push
anymore

Which scares me

Because
I am not so sure
what I am going to do
if I am not pushing

Sometimes
we don’t ask the question
because we don’t want to hear
the answer
because we don’t want to do
what we know we will have to do
if we get honest
about what
we know is true

And I am painfully aware
that I am compulsively dodging
what I know
undeniably
to be true

I am done
with how I have been doing things
and I simply do not know
what that means
for me
and those around me

I built a life
on sheer will

And I am
incredibly grateful
for what all that pushing gave me
And I am so very glad
to know
that if all else fails
I still have
my will
my push
my sheer scrappy grit

But for now
I must confess
I am almost amenable
to risking most everything
to see
what happens
when I stop pushing

Now
to be clear
I am not going to disappear
(though I do fantasize about it sometimes)
And I am not going to stop running
the Institute for the Psychology of Eating
I am not going to stop
writing
traveling
loving
etc…
I am not going to stop
doing things

I’m just gonna stop
the incessant pushing
that has been my driver, always

It’s been just a few days
since I started
playing with
not pushing (so much)
and I must tell you
the results
have been
a little bit terrifying
and a lot comforting

I am feeling
myself more

And in that
realizing…
it has been such a long time
(before I can remember)
since I have felt
myself

She is different
than I imagined

I am different
and not so sure
I am
who I thought
I was

So much
of what
I feel
is in response
to the world
around me

I think
I may have
lost me
(more than I knew)
as so many of us
super sensitive feelers do

So less pushing
no proving
and lots of feeling

That is what
I am most focused on
lately

Maybe you
pause too
and take a look
at why you do what you do
and how you do what you do

Sometimes
the pause
is the best way
to make space
for what
is most true

Is it time to be
a little more gentle
with you?

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.