Last night
I got scrambled
like I used to

The questions came in clear
and my truths felt slippery

I would speak
and then hear a voice deep
questioning everything

I was looping for hours
tormenting the person
trying to help me
refusing to see
how I was contradicting myself
because there was too much
at stake for me

And then
I got it
I saw
what I was doing
And it’s something
I have done forever

It is how I have justified lying
and been almost righteous
defending what I know
isn’t true
because it aligns with adopted values
I feel deeply committed to

Let me give an example…

If I value loyalty above everything
And if I define loyalty
as always having the backs
of those I have committed to
I might choose to lie
to honor
what I interpret
my commitment to be

And I might feel
morally sound
in my decision
because I am lying
to honor
what I have chosen
to prioritize
But this doesn’t mean
I am not lying
and this
is where things get tricky
and oh so sticky

Because sometimes
we value things that may conflict
and if we are not impeccably clear
about what we value most
we can easily get lost
in a sea of almost-truths
And that is where I found myself
last night
Unwilling to yield
Unwilling to own my chosen bias
Unwilling to see that I was choosing to collude

Because I was justifying my story
with a commitment to loyalty
that actually wasn’t even something
I had consciously agreed to
It had been fed to me
and I took someone else’s truth
someone else’s agenda on
as my own

And I have been living for years
inside a definition
of how I am supposed to be
that is no longer true for me
and definitely not serving me

I think what we prioritize can shift
I think values can change
I actually think morality is more flexible
than I am comfortable with

And so we need
to be diligent here
with checking in
with ourselves
about what we want
to be believing
and what we want
to be prioritizing
and valuing

Because here I was
in my own home
looking someone
in the eyes
and lying

But I was so far gone
so committed
to promises made years ago
I didn’t even see it
till he kept pointing out
how contradictory
I was being

I literally couldn’t understand
what he was talking about
I felt defensive
and frustrated
I felt misunderstood
and hurt
I felt confused
and sad

But I couldn’t yield
I couldn’t admit
I was losing touch
with reality
till I noticed something

I noticed how disconnected I was
how my heart felt cold
and my chest empty
I noticed how my head was throbbing
and my belly churning
I felt my throat closing
and everything felt heavy
as exhaustion swept over me
And I simply couldn’t argue anymore
I couldn’t deny
that my body wasn’t happy
and my heart was hurting

Connection matters to me
connection to others and myself
and here I was
losing both

I actually believe that a great deal
of our mental and physical health issues
come from lack of nourishing connection

We humans need it
and when we don’t have it
we seek to fill that void
often in distorted
or destructive ways

I hated learning this
I hated knowing
that connection matters

I thought the way I was going to deal
with being hurt
was to never let anyone else in
to keep all people at bay
far away
so they could never hurt me

And forget about connection to myself
I had checked out long ago

But avoiding connection
only made me sadder and sicker

So here I was feeling it
I was watching myself
choose disconnection
from myself and him…
Because how can I possibly
be connected to myself
while choosing to lie
And how could I possibly connect
with another
when I am unwilling
to acknowledge
shared reality

It never works
You cannot fake connection

And I was literally able to feel
how it was harming me
not only emotionally
but physically

And I got clear
that I need
to reorganize
my values
to match who I am now
and the world I am now living in
and the one I want to create
moving forward

And that is a world
that values
and willingness
to question everything
in service
to staying true

This is a major breakthrough for me
and I do hope it is helpful for you
I find myself regularly willing
to look at my behaviors
and beliefs
But not my values
not the frameworks
I am holding
as better

This has been the bias
that I filter truths
and choices through

And last night
I was actually able to see
the triple bind I had myself in
that was keeping me looping

Trying to solve the riddle
from the inside
not ever questioning
if this was a riddle
worth solving

We often get stuck
looking for answers
trying to find clues
seeking resolution
as humans are prone to do

But perhaps it is best
to start by asking yourself
Is this even the question
you truly want answers to?

Be willing to
question not only the answer
but the questions themselves

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.