relentlessly-blessed-1

I have not been doing
some of the things
I know
are good for me

Like writing
writing daily

I have been jotting down lines
from time to time
but the last few weeks
it feels like
my desire
to write and share
in this way
disappeared
and instead
a sort of uninspired
numbness
set in

A kind of uncaring
that feels very new for me
I do panic and anxiety
I never don’t care
I can’t remember a time
when I didn’t care
and I have been dancing
on the edges
of not caring
lately

Till Saturday

We had a party
at our home
it went 13 hours long
I felt stretched and pulled
touched and delighted
but distant
at least in the beginning

That isn’t new for me
Feeling distant
and most lonely
when around people
has been my reality
since I remember remembering

But then
something happened
I became aware
of what I was doing (again)
And I thought to myself
I am here
what if instead
of being aware of my separation
I put my attention on
getting the most
out of every moment
whatever it is

My conversations
began to be more fluid
natural and easy even
I felt my heart flicker
as I let myself lean into
each conversation more eagerly
as I chose curiosity
and connection
over judgment
and disconnection

Years ago I remember hearing
“Where attention goes
energy flows”

I have found this to be true

And it’s a daily practice
for me to notice
if I am being intentional
about where I put my attention
which is way easier for me
when I am alone
when it is just me

I find I am most likely
to lose my way
at parties, in groups
where it can feel like
life is happening to me

But this time
I wanted it to be different

As I kept my attention
on making the best
out of each connection
I would hit peaks
and feel myself fall
I would rise again
challenge myself
to open more
and go deeper
be sweeter
and feel

It was delightful

Around 1:30 am
as everything
was winding down
I noticed
a familiar feeling
a social anxiety
sort of hangover

The list of things
that I could have done better
the ways I could have been better
flooding the merry memories
from the party already

I felt disappointment
in myself
as I cleaned off the table
and started doing dishes

I found myself wishing
I was someone else
while I felt myself closing off

Just as I was about to go under
a woman came over to me
and touching my arm
said she just wanted to thank me
for opening my home
to her and her son
I looked up
to give my standard
“Of course”
but when our eyes met
I noticed hers were
filling with tears

“Oh”
I said
letting myself be impacted
by her sincerity
“Yes, I am so glad
you were here”

And then she said
“Thank you for your poetry”

I was surprised
I had no idea
she knew I wrote poetry

“Thank you”
I said
a little embarrassed

Sometimes
when I meet people
I don’t know
who read my writing
I feel this tender
very real
yet unexpected intimacy
I feel exposed
yet safe
in knowing
that they know
And I find myself wanting
more, like wanting to tell them
I love them
and a little scared
that I am going to be
disappointing
in person
that I am not who people
want me to be

So I tend to open a little
then disengage

I went to continue cleaning
and she said

“It saved me”

“Oh”
I said
turning away
“Thank you”

But she caught me

“No really, this was one of the hardest years
and I read your poems every night
and they saved my life”

Our eyes locked
tears came

And this time
when I said thank you
I felt her
I felt me
and profound gratitude

I could never have imagined
that someone
would say such a thing to me
It is my greatest honor
and yet I often find myself
being dismissive of myself
and what it is I do

Lately in this sort of despondent place
where I have found it hard to write
and impossible to share
I have wondered
if I am simply delusional
to believe that what I do matters
I have cringed at the idea
that I am simply fooling myself
into thinking my sharings
are of any real value

And mattering
matters to me
Being of value
is important to me

So when
I cannot connect
with that
I find it hard
to keep going

This woman
this weekend
was my angel

I as many others
can get caught up on numbers
as if the amount of impact
matters most

But it doesn’t
not to me
not truly

This is what matters most
this moment in my kitchen
where a woman
I have never met
feels moved
and supported
by me sharing
my musings
here

Yes, this.

And I am reminded
yet again
that yes sometimes
we do need each other
And that not only is there
nothing wrong with that
it is one of the most beautiful
aspects of being human

We can really make a difference
in the lives of others

I guess the question is then
What kind of difference
do you want to make
Who do you want to be
for the people
whose lives you touch

This woman
totally saved me
She reminded me
why I do what I do
And helped me feel
what matters
most to me
through opening
her heart to me

What a gift
to give somebody

Relentlessly blessed
that is me

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.