I have never felt as I do now
and it feels like the truth
under what I have been resisting

I have never been depressed (really)
sad, yes
anxious, anxiety is what I do
panic, sure
but apathy, going gray
bottoming out
is so very rare for me

I am more likely
to spin out
than go down
but lately
a heaviness
has set in
and clouds
keep coming through
blocking the sunlight
I keep finding
despite it all

I know my life
has so much good
like enormous amounts
of good
and yet
I am not feeling
so good

And so I try
as I know to do
to power through
I am an adrenaline junkie (really)
setting up “impossible” situations
that require me to generate
so much energy
it’s no wonder
panic shows up regularly

There is nothing like terror
to supersede our humanity

But lately
I have been in a fog
devoid of creativity
I keep hoping
the gray will lift
and stay away
but each time
I resist it
it comes harder
and faster
thick and ugly
I go down
till all that makes sense
is crackers and kombucha
my new favorite comfort foods

I was at an event (this week)
I have been going to for years
Dear friends
people with drive
ambition and wanting
all around me
and I kept collapsing

I have spent more time
in bed than anywhere else
this week

Guilt comes easy
when I opt out of learning
and I have been telling myself
don’t worry Emily
you’re tired
you can listen to the recordings
you will listen to the recordings

And maybe I will

But mostly I just want to say
this isn’t fun
but I am pretty sure me resisting it
isn’t going to make it better
and sure as heck doesn’t seem
to be making it go away

I left my purse in the taxi
I spilled my fresh latte all over my new dress
I fell in the shower, and then again getting out
I walked into 3 people (just trying to make it to my room)
I twisted my ankle
Had so very many awkward encounters
(when I forgot mid-sentence what I had started to say)
Deleted my notes at the end of a lecture
(that I had listened to so fervently)
I’ve had a headache consistently (piercingly)
And my wrist is hurting (always hurting)

I am not listening

I who teaches this
am not listening
I am a walking hypocrisy
(this week, at least)

And it feels even worse
to not admit
that this is what is going on with me
It feels really lame to instead
just share the highlight reel
which I could for sure do

I had some of the sweetest drop-ins
Enjoyed a long fun lunch with the woman
who helped me design my jewelry (for Secret Keepers)
Had coffee with a dearest (who helps me see)
Had a dinner full of belly laughs and sparkly eyes
Learned so much at a brilliant talk
(that will change how I do business and market)
Enjoyed the yummiest ice cream sundae
(late night, alone, in pure decadence)
Took a walk listening to music
(that made my heart sing and hips sway)
Danced outside joyfully as my friend DJ’d
Ran into a few of my favorites (I so rarely see)
Met a few new people who were so bright
and light and fun and sincere
Oh and I learned, I did learn some new things
(learning is my favorite always)

I am sad
really sad
often lately

not sure
I am really not sure
about so much

I have been a hustler
quite literally
I hustled hard
these last many years
and I don’t know
if that is me anymore
and if it isn’t
I don’t know what that means

Maybe this is burnout
or the physical pain I am always in
Maybe it’s missing
Maybe it’s hormonal
Maybe it’s heartbreak
Maybe it’s healthy
Maybe it’s chemical
Maybe it’s me

It doesn’t much matter
(right now)

I spend most of my time
asking the question
But it’s not getting me
nope, it’s just
confounding me more
and more

And so
I am just gonna put this here
Yes publicly
Because we rarely share
the in-between
till we are through
and I know,
I know I will make it through
It’s what I do

right now
this, this is
what is most real
for me

I am going down
Falling, free
like I have seen
heroines do
in the movies

Maybe this is
just what needs to be
Maybe this is
just what the doctor ordered
for me
Maybe this is
just how
we make room
for the new
and what is
most true

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.