somthing-different-1

today something
more than hard
happened

and tomorrow
is my birthday

over the weekend
I had written a few
birthday posts
to share
(reflections on my year
and wishings
for the coming one)

and now
I am sitting here
looking over them
wondering if they are still true
and wanting
to say something
without saying the thing
because
I am afraid if I don’t
I am going to go under

and I can’t afford to
drown (anymore)

so I am doing
what I know to do
when I don’t know what to do
I am talking it through
in writing
and sharing it here
(so dear friends
who I am not responding to
know I am okay
so I know I am okay)

yes, okay
okay is the best
I have today

as a little girl, a teenage girl,
a young woman I refused to yield
(I insisted that my dreams
come true) at all costs
my dreams would
come true

stubborn
I was
and still am

stubborn
persistent
precocious
relentless
persevering

and these, these are
some of my greatest
strengths
that have (also)
cost me
greatly

and I guess
what I would want you
to know
is that this year
I tapped out

yes, I
I tapped out

which means
I will not be making
any grand declarations
for this coming year
I will not be announcing
some sparkly new goals
on the seventeenth
(that way of exclaiming
was never for me anyways
a girl who lived
much of her life
in secrecy
a woman who
doesn’t need
accountability
outside of what is
in me
always driving me
to achieve)

I will
create
always
(I imagine)
I cannot envision a life
where I am not
making things

creating is life to me

but relationships
and love
of all kinds
seem to take life
and I keep finding myself
close to giving up here
(in a way that
scares me)
in a way that I know
is way more about me
than the people
around me

because I have
some very good people
around me (close to me
and with me, even loving me)
people worth
doing the work for
people worth
doing my work for (of that
I am mostly pretty sure)

and still
I hedge

humans who read the stars
have told me
that it’s just me
that this is just my path
my path is to learn
through relationship
and make art
of it, of what I discover
(of what I find
so very challenging
and confronting)

and I love the stars
(I do, and appreciate
what they offer me)
but I want to know more
I am not satisfied
till I understand
why some things
I say I am wanting
are so very hard for me
to make happen
and others come
almost magically

so this year (I am guessing
I am hoping)
will be a different sort of year
more inward maybe
slower for sure
who knows

I am closer to forty now
than I am to thirty
which feels big (in a little sort of way)
I was so excited to turn 30
(to leave my twenties)
but this year
getting older
seems less pleasant
(not upsetting, just not so exciting…)
mostly a reminder of a number
that would normally
have me picking up speed
recklessly racing faster
for my dreams
(because if I am most honest
this is most definitely
not where I thought I would be
in my mid-thirties)

but for now
I am done with that (all the
hurrying)
I am gonna press pause
on the rushing
for a bit (maybe a year
or more)

I am going to stop
chasing fantasy (I imagined up
when I was 7, 15 and 23)
and figure out
what is actually
really truly
most true
for me
now, as this emily

I think many of us
dreamers and high achievers
forget to pause
check in and update
in our all our driving and striving
to make all the things happen
we decided we needed to

habit can become compulsion
and addiction easily if we aren’t careful
if we don’t call timeout (from time to time)
if we don’t take a breath and ask

is this really what we are wanting
still?

is this really worth all the efforting
now?

I am built for speed
I am made for intensity
and
I am tired
and wanting to know
something different
about me
so that is my birthday
wish for me
something different please
something different
for me

more later
or tomorrow maybe

yes more
later
from me

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.