realbad

sometimes
when things get bad
real bad
we can forget the good
because we have to
because remembering
how enraptured
and hopeful
we used to be
is just too painful
in contrast
to the reality
of what
is here
now

so if i am honest
with myself
i wanted to forget
i worked hard to obliterate
because missing
was just too painful
in the face
of the more
sober reality
i found
myself in

i was raised
by parents
who valued knowledge
education and wisdom
they taught me
so much
about the world
life and history
i was given a richer
and more honest education
than most people i know
yet somehow
i still got hooked
on fairy tales

i have always
loved the romancing
swooning easily
disappointed always
that life was not
more like a movie

fantasy has been
a dear friend
comforting me
nightly
making love to me
so sweetly
saying all the
“right” things
so i can know
finally know
i am okay
it is safe
there is love
for me
here

i suppose
this makes me
a most hopeless
romantic
but i don’t mind
because for all the pain
my overeager heart
has brought me
it has also
given me
so much
beauty

the kind
of beauty
that defies eyes
the kind that cracks
us open
leaving nothing
but rapture
and the undeniable
knowing
that this
this is
what matters most

i imagine
if i didn’t have
such an affinity
for fairy tales
i would never have been willing
to open so much
i would never have been inclined
to place my heart
in another’s hands
i would never have considered
that risking breaking
(heartbreaking)
would be worth it
if i didn’t believe
there was something
worth free falling for

i know that
there is so much
i don’t understand
about love
and being human
it all seems
increasingly complicated
to me
and lately
in the face of that
i notice
the willingness
to risk and risk again
waning
fantasies swiftly
becoming nightmares
that find me
as early morning
creeps in
haunting me
with cautions
that make
living openheardedly
most challenging

but then i remember
i made a promise
to myself
many years ago
when the first man
i ever really loved
left me
i remember
promising myself
(many months later
as i scanned our bedroom
where love used to live)
promising
that i would never
let anyone
take possibility
from me
i would never let
anyone or anything
that happened outside of me
take that faithful knowing from me

and so i let myself
feel fantasy again
even in this
more sober reality

and this time
it doesn’t feel
so painful
rather
this time
it feels like a choice
i am making
a choice
to let myself
want what
i am wanting

it feels like my heart
is taking a stand for me
my heart
it feels like
(maybe
for the first time
ever)
my heart
is loving me

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.