stop-the-war-on-self

In my twenties
I hated traveling
because I couldn’t control
well, much of anything
because there were surprises
around every corner

And I had a raging
eating disorder
which insisted on
impeccable control
and no surprises ever
Nothing to interrupt
my compulsively
considered plans

Anxiety was high
always
but crescendoed
when on the road
in foreign lands

And I missed
most everything
because I was busy
counting calories
in my head
busy judging
my thighs
for touching
busy walking in circles
to burn off anything
I allowed to pass my lips

And I admit
I still don’t like surprises
I prefer to be in control
I like to know when
and how and who
if possible

But it’s really nice
to notice
how much more
I notice
now that
I am not
so consumed
with not eating
now that
I am not
so consumed
with self loathing

It’s sweet
to find happy
in the little things
like magenta buildings
with royal blue trimming

It’s such a treat
to take a walk midday
to my most favorite cafe
arriving sweaty and hungry
to be greeted by the biggest smile ever
from the waitress who wears
sparkly lavender eye shadow
and crimson lips daily

It’s so indulgent
to sit for over an hour
savoring the lack of cell service
so that just for a bit
I am not reachable
not on call
not ready to be interrupted
by something
always more important
than me enjoying this moment
almost stress free

I like the contrast
a creature of extremes
that is most definitely me

I like to go fancy
lace dresses
and PowerPoint presentations
And I like to go sloppy
same jean shorts
for a week
and no sense
of what I might achieve
before I find sleep

Get messy
Be proper
Laugh harder
Cry sweeter

I find as long
as I lean into
what is happening
it’s better
for me
and those
around me

Less resistance
more magic
please

May you too
choose
whatever
is happening
because
it’s happening
And if we are not
exhausting ourselves
resisting
we have
the best chance
at harmony
and the best chance
at choosing
something different
if we want to

This
I need
to remind
myself daily
because I am prone
to fight myself
endlessly

Travel shows me
time and time again
how terribly
futile it is
to be at war
with what is

Let’s stop
the war
on self please
let’s stop it
you and me

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.