super-sensitive

I notice
I haven’t been able
to share here
this week
because I am so painfully
out of integrity
in my inner world
it feels
just plain gross
to post anything
but the truth of that
here

I actually have real relationships
with so many of you
and I noticed
I didn’t want to share
until I was good and joyful again
I imagined people reading my post
about what is really going on for me
right now and thinking
“Geez this girl is so depressing
she is a mess and so needy”

But I promised myself
not too long ago
to not let the opinions
of those who judge me
for expressing challenge
dictate how I choose to share

So here goes
I went way too hard
these last few weeks
Coming back from Mexico
I felt strong and centered
and I hurled myself into work
and travel
happily
but I forgot
I had limits
and I emptied my tank
and kept going
staying in a different room
every two-three days
for the last few weeks
and my body fell apart

During this time
I also tried to make
some massive life decisions
and in the process
managed to have breakdowns
in communication
with almost everyone
dear to me

And the worst part is
I was completely unaware
I was crumbling
I refused to believe
I was not okay
till my digestion got so bad
I couldn’t bear to stand
and found myself short of breath
from the pain

So here is the deal
I don’t always walk my talk
not at all
not this time
and so I have been embarrassed
to share much of anything
because I was busy
pushing
avoiding
hoping to will myself
back to being fine again
instead of slowing down
as I know to do
and getting really honest
about my capacity
and what I am needing

I am super sensitive

At times it has felt
debilitatingly so
And I have resented
my sensitivity
endlessly

But I am officially done
with that
and I am sharing this
to hold myself
accountable
and in hopes that this is useful
for you sensitive souls too

I am not sure
we can change
our sensitivity
I think we can numb it, sure
I think we can deny it
and override it
But that doesn’t mean
it’s not there
It doesn’t mean
you are not still
feeling it all

This is usually when
the body starts to scream
When we refuse to pay attention
things starts breaking
fights start happening
dreams disappear
and before we know it
we are just
surviving

I have been
frozen in fight-or-flight
for about two weeks now
at least as far as I can tell
And wow was I feeling
what I wasn’t wanting
to feel
It’s humbling
to see

It’s also impressive
to see
that in such a short amount of time
I can essentially feel like
I undid
months of recuperating

But this isn’t true
I didn’t undo
I just took a few steps back
and I caught it this time
before it got really bad

Old ways of being
die hard
It can be easy
to slip right back
into old patterns
that no longer serve you
because the grooves are deeper
because the old habits are more ingrained
than the new ones
because we can go on autopilot
when not taking care
to pay close attention

So here is the deal
here is what I am doing

I am owning it
finally
I hope

I am super sensitive
and I cannot do
whatever the heck
I want to do
without consequences

And I am committed
to taking care of my body
and my heart
more intentionally
and not requiring
a screeching stop
to have me paying attention
I am putting more practices in place
to ensure I remember to remember

And instead of beating myself up
I am reminding myself
that change takes time
and sometimes
we take a few steps forward
and a few leaps back
till we get where we want to go
till we are how we want to be

Okay
that’s it for me
I am home
on my own
self imposed lockdown
Feeling so much better
already
cleaning up and out

Quality food
Hands-on support
Honest conversations
And sincere apologies

Including
an apology
to myself
one of the harder ones
to give
and receive

I favor self reproach
and punishment
usually

But not anymore
not me

And I hope you too
apologize
to yourself
if you need to

Us super sensitive types
can also be super hard on ourselves
After all, we are sensitive
even to ourselves
so when you notice and feel everything
including the places where things are out of integrity
we can be not so forgiving
of self
at least I know this is true for me

I used to sing myself
nursery rhymes
of self loathing

No more
my friends

I suppose part of growing up
is about getting real
about who you are

I am pretty sure
I am always going to be sensitive
so here’s to designing a life
that supports me
instead of constantly
overwhelming me

And here’s to you designing
a life that works for you too

It’s a process
and a journey
it’s a practice
and a commitment

We may falter
a few hundred times
along the way
but as long as we keep returning
to what’s true
we keep valuing
what is most sincere
I am pretty certain
we have the best chances
to not only survive
but actually thrive

And that is what I want
for me and you
thriving

So own your uniqueness
and paint your world around it
Find people who celebrate
the sensitivities in you
And be willing
to change everything
till your life feels like
the best reflection
of what truly matters
to you

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.