when-one-door

Forgive the blatant cliche
but for sure
when one door closes
another opens
I love the Lao Tzu quote,
“New beginnings are often disguised
as painful endings”

2016 was a year of endings
At times, it felt like doors
were being slammed
in my face weekly
And as jarring as that has been
the doors were closed
so firmly
so clearly
there was no room left
for me to wonder
if I could open them again
I was required to turn around
to go anywhere

And so I became a professional
at pivoting

In the past
I have been one to stare
at closed doors
for months, if not years
speculating about how it got closed
and how I could open it again

And while this has served me well
in terms of learning from my errors
it has often kept me frozen
replaying the past
to the severe detriment
of the present
and the complete dismissal
of the future

This year
I refused to linger long
I didn’t have the energy
The advantage to being tired
is you learn to manage
the energy you do have
better

And I couldn’t afford
to keep leaking
obsessing
and berating myself

I have been in Mexico 6 weeks now
working remotely
running the Institute from afar
But aside from that
I haven’t done much other than
eat, walk, sleep, and feel
as doors close repeatedly

But this time
not because someone is closing them
but because as I slow down
and get some very real distance
I am finally willing to be the door closer

I can’t count on two hands
the times I have been willing to close a door
I have an addiction to options it seems
I get drunk on possibility
and the illusion of freedom
that comes with knowing
I have so many doors open

I find comfort
in the lack of responsibility
that comes from not being
the one to close the door
often selling myself on the story that
I am the bigger person for not “giving up”
priding myself on my level of commitment
even when things appear hopeless

January 1st, I hoped
as I have every day
that I would wake to find myself
with a clear trajectory
A door glowing right in front of me
with a sign clearly stating
“Welcome Emily”
But it’s January 22nd
and no such door has appeared

And then
last night
as I was staring
at the most sparkly sky
I have ever seen
I had a thought
that maybe,
maybe this is exactly
what is next for me
a world without doors
at least for a while

A world where I am sitting
in darkness
watching the light
peak through
insistently
and letting myself
simply enjoy
the beauty around me

Tears came
as I felt into
how long it has been
since I have been able
to simply enjoy anything

There has been so much to manage
externally and internally
I have been surviving
finding joy in the wins
but not in the in-betweens

I would like to live in-between for a bit
I found myself dreaming this morning
I would like to take longer showers
and drink my coffee slowly
I have never been a big fan
of the journey
I trust it
I respect it
But in all honestly
have not much enjoyed it

So here’s to starry nights
and obvious epiphanies

May you find
your beginning
in every
ending
too

❤ Emily Joy Rosen

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.