a year ago today, this. fb said, i posted this:
i posted a picture of me with a baby
and i got lots of sweet comments and private messages of baby birthing encouragement and then i became overwhelmed with emotion
here is why:
i didn’t have my period for over 4 years
it was because i was starving myself
i always assumed i would have children
but all of a sudden i wasn’t sure if i would be able to
i avoided thinking about it as much as possible
then i signed up for prenatal yoga teacher training
i lasted 2 hours in the room before i ran out sobbing
i didn’t know that in a prenatal yoga teaching training the majority of the women would be pregnant
i got in my car and drove away – fast
i remember speeding down the taconic state parkway barely able to see the road because i was crying so hard
i also went in the wrong direction taking myself hours away from home
but i had to get away
as far away as possible from all those pregnant women
as far away as possible from myself
and then…
then…i fell in love
and i began eating a little more
the periods of starving and bingeing and purging became more spread out
and my period slowly started coming back – sporadic for sure – but it was back
the man i fell in love with wanted children
i remember one day he came home from buying a car and told me that it was perfect because it would be safe for our children
and i crumbled
i was terrified to tell him that i didn’t know if i could have children because i chose not to eat for so so many years
would be leave me?
would i be alone again?
in that moment
i committed to get healthier
i was so afraid to lose him to this disease
and i promise i tried
and i got better
and then i got worse
much worse
the pressure to fix myself was so intense that i lost my way
and he left me
and i cried
a lot
so much so that i thought for sure i would never stop
but i did
so i made another promise to myself
a promise to get better for me
and i got better
i got stronger
i got healthier
and my greatest heartbreak became my greatest revelation
and this, this can be true for you too
if someone hadn’t told me that
i don’t know what i would have done
so i am telling it to you
from my heart to yours
if you are suffering or struggling
when you choose life
when you choose you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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