“and i could love you
in a thousand different ways
but not today”

i took my bruised heart
out for a walk
and let the sting of rejection sink into me
until it turned into story
and swiftly
i found myself bathing my heart in worry
am i too much?
did i come on too strong?
did i seem too needy?
or weak?

oh, i should have talked less
smiled more
but not a full smile
that makes my face look fat

or perhaps it was that comment
about his work…
he seemed offended, didn’t he?

this is what i always do
i blow things up all around me
good things crumble
and i am left in rubble
to wonder only,
what could i have done differently…

it is a funny habit of the mind
to grasp for reasons
that we can attach emotion to
when often what is
truly true
is that,
i am just not ready for you
or am just not into you

and both can burn
and feel unfair
and excruciating

it is so hard to relinquish desires
when you know their power

but i would love you with abandon
i thought
as i opened the car door
and turned to face him
as he still sat there at the table,
already on his phone

i waited minutes more than was comfortable
to see if he would look up at me
at the very least wave

but his fingers were moving fast
and from what i could see
i imagined he was swiping right already

so i put on my seat belt
turned on the heat
and let it blast
till i was certain
this was not going to be
another experience
i let turn me icy

❤️ emily joy rosen

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