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and i scream no just as the night merges with day. that in-between time where we cannot be sure what will come but for sure know something will arrive… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

and i
just as the
night merges
with day

that in-between time
where we cannot be sure
what will come
but for sure know
something will arrive

and so
the question becomes
how will you greet it…

is there enough space
left in you
to welcome the new?

forget about staying open
for just a minute
because what i want to know
is even if you did
crack open
even if you let yourself
open to the new
i want to know
would there be room in you…

is there space inside you
for who you could become
or is the grief
not felt
taking up too much space?

is the grief you refuse to feel
the anger you refuse to express
the hurt you can’t even touch
keeping the good
the sweet
the tender
out of you?

has it left no room
for anything new?
this is what i want to know
from you

because the sun is coming
as it always does
and i can assure you
the light will eventually
cover everything
and you
will have to choose
do you make room for the new
or do you stay paralyzed
because you don’t want to feel
what you are going to have to feel
to make room for what is next for you…

last night
i sobbed
an ugly cry
it came up through my belly
and out of my eyes
and i felt
what i haven’t been
wanting to feel
through every part of me
and what i didn’t know
is that i had been grieving
and my desire to keep things
“just so”
my insistence on
not falling apart
was keep me looking
around the grief
i was refusing to feel

i feel lighter today
tender and raw
and while i would be lying if i said
i think i felt all that i needed to feel
i can tell you
that the thing i most feared
feeling the grief
was the thing
i most needed

the truth is
things didn’t turn out
as i had hoped
they would
this year
and i have been trying
to stay positive
keep my head high
not lose momentum
and not let myself go down
too far

and all my efforting
did have me making
lots of things happen
it did have me in motion
almost appearing
to be moving towards
what i said i was wanting

but it wasn’t true
and so each time
the sun would rise
each time
i found myself greeted
with the possibility
of something new
something that seemed
to almost be
exactly what i was grieving
i pushed it away hard
i drowned it in cold water
i shut down
got frigid
acted busy

anything to avoid
actually grieving
anything to not
have to feel the anguish
of not having what i want
most dearly
at least not now
even though i thought i would
even though i had planned
so supremely

sometimes things just don’t work
as we want them to
people leave unexpectedly
death happens
life explodes
we implode
and so time to grieve
is necessary

so my suggestion
is simple
and yes maybe painful
but i am now certain
it is mandatory

grieve please
so you can
be ready
and open
to feel

❤️emily joy rosen

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