and sometimes love
takes a sharp left
and you find yourself
feeling crazy
because what you thought
you knew
to be true
isn’t true anymore
and no one is naming it
no one is willing to say
“hey you
i don’t love you
like i used to”

because those words
always mark
the beginning of the end
and when we remember
the love
that felt so certain
it is just too painful
to admit out loud
that it has changed
that it may even
be gone

so we putter
and we ponder
we make dinner plans
where we used to
feel love
and we try

i try
almost desperately
to recreate
the feeling
the knowing
the way
my heart opened
and you came in
when i wasn’t even sure
i wanted you there

and now
now i am angry
because the space
you made
for yourself
feels so empty
echoes hollow
and tastes bitter

and i told you
i just didn’t want
to taste that again
i didn’t want to feel it

and you said,
“i promise”

and i believed you
(it feels now

and you know me
i most hate
feeling stupid
i hate being the fool
hearing the whispers
from the peanut gallery
“i told you so…”

so, no
i am not okay

and no
this isn’t happening
not to
and you

to be clear
doesn’t mean
i want you
this doesn’t mean
i will ever let myself
need you
(not after this)

but you don’t get
to just leave
you don’t get
to just
jump in
and out
of me
as you

i am not
who i used to be

you see
i have

and i grew it
all by myself

so you can never
take it away from me

and i am clear
we are going
to do this differently

we are going to
name everything
you are going
to look at me
and tell me
how you fell
out of love with me

and i am going to stay
right here
with you
till i know
you say is true

and then
you choose
if you
back into me

and then
i choose
if i can
let you back in
without endlessly
silently punishing you
for all the cuts
you made
in the softest
parts of me

i decide
if i want to leave
them open to bleed
just a while longer
letting myself weep into you
trusting you’ll become
forever family
or if i am ready
to make scars
of you and me

scars of you and me
(that almost sounds
too easy)

let me be
impeccably clear
you do not
get to go
without finally
being completely
with me

❤️emily joy rosen

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