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and what i don’t want to say what i really don’t want to feel what feels so hard now to admit is i really did give him my heart and i am not sure how to get it back or if she even wants me anymore i imagine she’s so messed up from being broken and left so long ago well before i even knew it’s likely she is so very (understandably) mad at me too… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

and what i don’t want to say
what i really don’t want to feel
what feels so hard now to admit
is i really did give him my heart
and i am not sure how to get it back
or if she even wants me anymore
i imagine she’s so messed up
from being broken and left
so long ago
well before i even knew
it’s likely she is so very
(understandably)
mad at me too

and i wish i knew
when it happened
i wish i could go back to then
and sneak out with my heart in the middle of the night
making sure to tell her forever i am so sorry
i am so sorry i left her in such unsafe hands
for him to do with her as he pleased

so sorry i did that when she trusted me
so sorry she was abandoned by me
as my only regard became
making sure he wanted me
as the only concern
i was aware of, built my life around
was how could i get him to love me again
like he seemed to in the beginning
yes that was my sole objective
my most north star

and i never not even once
considered what was good for my heart
what was good for her
i just really needed
him to love me
yes like an addict
i just really needed my hit
and so i compromised her
endangered her
forgot about her

yes in my approval seeking compulsion
and obsessive need to get back to where
i thought we used to be
i neglected my heart

and hearts, hearts really don’t like that
and now i am not so sure
she will ever let me make it right with her
not so sure she will let me find her
and try again with her

and it feels so empty now
where the feelings used to be
like there is a permanent breeze
blowing forever through the inside of me
reminding me repeatedly of the hollow
reminding me perpetually of what i did to me

and i never listen to music anymore
because that was one of our treasured things
his playlists made my heart sing
and eyes weep my favorite feelings
and his voice, his voice i liked
so very much
especially when he sang along
to the john mayer acoustic version
of free falling
and i remember
how his voice would peak at
“cause i am a bad boy
cause i don’t even miss her
yeah i am a bad boy for breaking her heart”

and i remember thinking
he sings this part so passionately beautifully
he sings this part with glee

and i remember the morning he left
the morning after i said
i am so so sorry
i just can’t do this anymore
i remember watching him peel down my driveway
the white wolf with his head out the window
and the arm of that boy
(who i still cry about often)
waving out the other side, saying bye to me

and i remember thinking
oh, oh i bet he is playing that song
i can see him singing that song
on his way back to his new old home

and i looked up the lyrics
that i had never really really listened to
you see if you knew me you would know
i kinda make up my own lyrics
to songs for the most part
singing the words all wrong as i please

and this time i wished
i wished i had listened better, listened differently
to what the words were actually saying
what the words meant strung together

yeah if i had paid more attention
to the words of one of his favorite songs
the one he sang my most favorite way
i might have known
all i needed to know

and so i sobbed
to this song on my bedroom floor
till there was no more water left in me
and decided that evening
no more music for me
nope no more music
for me
i couldn’t bear
to feel that much
no, not when i didn’t know
where he left my heart
not when mostly what i felt
was its absence with each
more horrendously beautiful beat

and so it is
over half a year later
and the only music that has touched these ears
is when in a room where someone else is playing it
and as i rarely leave my room
it’s been many many moments of silence
more silence then i have ever sat with before
a silence that has given my mind time
to find its way through
to a truth that is all mine
a silence that has removed
all the voices of others
that i always, always made more important
than my own
that i always made more right than me
that i always gave so much more credence to
than the little whisper that was me
yes that little whisper
that recently became a scream

and so today
i think
today i think i will listen to a song
one with words that i find pretty
one just for me
and see
and see if maybe
just maybe
i can sing my heart
back to me
bit by bit
yes maybe she will hear me
and know it is safe for her again
maybe this will help her know
that never again
will i not protect her first
over everything
yes maybe this will help her know
i am willing to feel her again
feel her so i can know her
so i can track her
and i can make sure
to never ever let someone
ravage, muddle, batter
and then discard her

nope
never ever
again
will i choose
someone’s wants
over her

no never again

so yeah
i think it’s time
it’s time
to turn
the music on

and see
if i can sing
her back
into me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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