chin up
stay strong
don’t panic
stop crying

ironic really
that all the energy
it took me
to keep up
and shut down
had me quite literally

painful to feel
how much it cost me
terrifying to see
where it was leading me

and so i swung hard
hurling myself at
the opposite extreme
heart bare
palms open
insisting on merging
making forever promises
giving as much of me
as i knew how to
till i was so exposed
even the smaller slights
felt like bits of broken glass
pressed into skinless flesh
searing and sharp
while the bigger things
nearly wiped me

and so i find
wanting to find
a more middle ground
i have spent my life repulsed
by balance
imagining it the breeding ground
for mediocrity
but now older
more tired
and dare i say wiser
i want peace and joy
love and care
more than i want
the upper hand
to seem cool
or be right
yes even

i used to think
being the more vulnerable was weak
a sign of pathetic desperation
then i thought
being the most vulnerable was best
a sign of strength and love

always extreme
that’s me
that was me…

but i’m going slower now
leaving space
for unexpected sweetnesses
while expecting nothing
trusting my first hit
honoring my intuition
doing the deeper work
facing the trauma truths
and wanting less
and less people time
and more and more

it’s a different kind
of chin up now
it’s a new kind
of strength
it’s a more measured
a slower opening
a faster retreat
a kinder caring
for self
than i have ever allowed
than i have ever had interest in

it’s a practice
i am committed
to practicing
till she knows
love is here
in here
love is..

till i know
love is here

in here
love lives

❤️ emily joy rosen

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