sometimes we do
the harder things
and there is no one
there
to give us
a round of applause

because people
get busy
and decide
what matters to them
and sometimes
it’s you
and many a time
it’s not
and while this may
feel cruel
it’s simply
what is true
and from what i can tell
your happiness (my happiness)
will rest on our ability
to do and be
without the applause
so that if they come
if people choose to cheer for you
it’s a bonus
it’s the icing
on the cake you made
your life into
not a necessity
for you
to know
you are okay
and you did good
now trust me
when i say i know
this isn’t always easy
frankly it’s been the hardest for me
since i was just a baby
i wanted you to tell me
i was okay and loved and wanted
by cheering for me
most everything i did
was followed by
look at me
look at what i just did
tell me i did good?!?
please, pretty please validate me,
confirm it’s okay for me to take up room
and promise you will love me (forever)
as long as i keep doing this
as long as i keep performing good
(sigh)
it’s a painfully lonely
exhausting
life path i wouldn’t choose
for anyone
and
still
i would be remiss
if i didn’t acknowledge how much
this way of being has driven me
to experience things
i would have never dreamed
to know my capacity
is what greater than my imaginings
and still
i wouldn’t choose it
for me and or you
i have been sad mostly
anxious always
unsatisfied deeply
abundant extremely
and felt trapped
in a world of my own making
(which can make even the sanest person
feel crazy, to know you can create
something that can destroy you)
till recently
i felt that way often
till recently
something has changed
that has me caring less
in some ways
that feel surprisingly healthy
i find myself disinterested
in so much of what used to consume
my every waking dream
and at peace with
what feels like a new simplicity
full of complexity
because yes…
i still run three companies
and manage teams
making a steady stream of revenue
from online programming
i still write regularly
and take photos to complement
my shares on social media
deliberately and carefully
crafting posts that mean a lot to me
i still work out daily
and care about the size of my belly
and width of my thighs
i still avoid gluten and sugar mostly
taking care with what i eat
in service to health and for sure vanity
i still call family
and friends to make sure i am okay
and hire therapists and helpers
to give me advice
and make sure i don’t go too far astray
but something distinct has changed
and it is this…
i trust myself more
at the end of the day
i trust myself more
i trust myself most
and it’s the best feeling
to know
that home is no longer
a place
or a person
rather
home is in me
and i can go home
wherever i need
because as long as i am breathing
it will be here,
deep inside me
home
and that knowing
yep this is what is new
and it is the best gift
i have ever given myself
given me
and i guess if i had a wish
it would be that you
yes you, know it too
❤️emily joy rosen

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