i do not want this,
i think (to myself)
often

resistance
is a theme
in my life

i really don’t like
accepting
what i don’t want
to be true

and i am seeing (with more
clarity than ever)
how often i choose illusion
over true shared reality

i tend to let feeling
speak
to me
making stories
based on assumptions
based on how i feel
and it’s a bit (a lot)
confronting to see
how i do this
not just in
my romantic relationships
but in friendships
and business partnerships too

i am a storyteller
but way more than
i realized
and in way more
dangerous ways
than i was seeing

because
i make decisions based
on my unchecked assumptions
i build worlds based
on my preferred presumptions
i give my heart based
on feelings
i make mean everything

i think sometimes
i do this intentionally
because i don’t want to ruin
what feels like
the magic
of a moment not spoken
i don’t want to insist on words
to confirm what feels
so clearly real (for me)
and so i consistently
miss (avoid) opportunities
to actually get shared reality
to actually make sure we are in
the same story (or at the very least
a similar one)

and i think
a lot of this has been
completely unconscious

i suppose it’s a bit narcissistic
to assume that my experience
(because it feels so loud
and true for me)
must be true for the other
i am engaging with

and it’s simply
not true
at least not necessarily
i mean it could be
but if i am not checking
i am missing a possibility
for real intimacy

and while i love romance
i love being swept away
and merging
i adore losing myself
in connecting with another
over feelings that are consuming
(i can get obsessed with chasing
that feeling)
i am getting it really truly
isn’t what i have made it mean

and i just got (last night)
that one of the reasons
i am so resistant to seeing
to asking
to insisting we are
in some version
of the same reality
is because
i use
the stories
i make up
in the unspoken
feelings
to not feel
so alone
to not feel
lonely
in this great
wide world
we call
home

it’s how
i know
*correction:
it’s how
i knew
to love

and that
that loving feeling
is my favorite
or so i thought
till i got
for real
how unreal
the world
i have been
living
and loving
in is

and while
i appreciate
fantasy
and my story
telling abilities

i am no longer wanting
to resist what is real
even if it hurts
even if it disturbs
even if means i am
so incredibly wrong
and need to reorganize
rearrange and redo
everything

because real
matters more to me
than not feeling lonely

bye bye resistance
you have been super good
at protecting me from seeing
what you knew would be
so painful
so thank you but i don’t need you
here anymore

nope i don’t want you
here anymore

❤️ emily joy rosen

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