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i don’t know, perhaps it doesn’t ever end the way we planned. perhaps i should let it all go. the hopes, the dreams, the wishes i made on birthday cake candles, and coins tossed in fountains around the world… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i don’t know
perhaps it doesn’t
ever end
the way we planned
i should
let it all go

the hopes
the dreams
the wishes i made
on birthday cake candles
and coins tossed in fountains
around the world

i have always been
a wish maker
a dream weaver
a future painter

i loved setting goals
even as a very little girl
i have been
a diligent list creator
a consistent executer
a very eager worker bee

but lately
it feels
like everything i touch
turns to coal
and i have had to work harder
than ever before
to find the sparkle in it all
to press the diamond out
of the darkness
that covers my hands
and seems to be making a mess
of most everything

the good news is
i still have faith

the good news is
i know
there is always
something good
to be gotten
from most everything

and so
as something
i really wanted
a no
i learn
to stay open
stay strong
stay present
stay in love

even as
i say
not only to
a dream
i thought
i would get to live
but a little hope
that certain dreams
would come true
for me
maybe ever

loss invigorates me
loss has me
fiercely driven
unwilling to yield
to the possibility
that i may not get
what i dream

but this time
something different happened
i eventually let go
but it wasn’t because
i was focused on going after
what i want
it was because
i actually let go of hope
i actually let myself stop hoping
i let the bottom
of my dreams
fall out
i let my wishes go

and please
let me explain
i would think
this a very bad thing

i wouldn’t be able to think
of anything worse
than being hopeless

but not this time
this time
i saw the beauty
of my hopes and dreams
i felt the heaviness leaveas I stopped insisting
on making sense of everything
and watched the world
crack open in front of me
as a light
like amber honey
pierced through pouring into me
till i was full
and completely empty

i felt unattached
and deeply committed
but not to anything
outside of me
i felt committed
to this feeling
in me
this place of knowing
i could go
where i can feel it all
where i feel complete
where i can stop the wanting
all the driving and striving
and know

i know
this time
i gave it my all
it didn’t work out
not as i planned
not as i hoped
but i know okay now
and i don’t need
to feel
this way
i don’t need
anything more
to happen
to feel so incredibly
full and empty

i think
this might be
what it feels like
to know
i am enough


❤️emily joy rosen

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