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A friend recently asked me "If it was 3 years in the future, would you be happy with the choices that this (previous) Emily made". I know it is a good question for me when i hate the question when i feel irritated and resistant… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

a friend recently asked me
“if it was 3 years in the future
would you be happy with the choices
that this (previous) emily made”

i know it is a good question for me
when i hate the question
when i feel irritated and resistant

i found myself
wanting to dismiss the question
wanting to scoff,
“what a stupid question”
but really
it stung
i didn’t like the answer
before i could even really ponder
i heard a resounding
no, i do not think
the future emily would be pleased
with the decisions current emily is making

but, if i hadn’t been asked
that question
i could have certainly justified
my current choices
knowing myself
and how i am committed
to not regretting
to learning what i can

to making good
to creating art out of everything

that doesn’t mean
i shouldn’t pay attention now
that doesn’t mean
it might not make sense
to do my best
to prevent some pain
(for a change)

what i am compulsive about doing
when it comes to business
i refuse to do
when it comes to life

and so came the next question…
“if you, emily, were a company
and you were the ceo of that company
would you be pleased with how you
are running it, running you…”

honestly, i think i would fire me

the truth is
i hate making decisions
and yet i make many a day
so many, big and little ones,
life changing ones,
and those that matter not much at all
in business

and so i admit
i can get sloppy
in my personal life
avoidant and neglectful
dare i say
(especially when it comes
to body and heart)so he said
“what are you going to do?”

i was hoping he wouldn’t ask that
i don’t want to be accountable
right now
i don’t want to get clear or true
i don’t want to make decisions
or even know what i want to do

i feel the urge
to let it all fall apart
in a way that is wildly unfamiliar
to me

i have always been one
to hold things together
at all costs
knuckles white
fingers cramped
heart pounding
endless efforting

and i’m noticing
i am done with that
(at least for now)

i no longer care to use
my life force
to keep things
that no longer seem
meant for me
things that take
way more than they give

i never much
paid attention to that

after all
i had boundless energy
so never much needed
to pause and check in
about what things might be
costing me
and i admit
i get off
on the giving
i love extending
stretching always
my capacity

i like to think of myself
as limitless
with no need
for boundaries

till now
i am weary
and dangerously
close to jaded

lately my mortality
has been visiting me
and i am reminded
rather confrontingly
of how quickly it all goes
and how rapidly
everything can change
if not completely disappear

and i would like to know
that i did what was most true
to me

so here i go
and maybe you come with me

what do you want?
and who do you want to be?

me, i am going to figure out
what i want to do
and then
i am going
to do that

yes, that
that is what
i am going to do

and i hope you to do

❤️emily joy rosen

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