i tend to work hard
a lot harder than it seems most realize
poetry and photo shoots
are such a very small part of my world
i am an operator mostly
making art, sharing here and engaging
is less than 1/20th of my day
done mostly in the wee hours of the morning
mostly when those i adore are fast asleep
and darkness is the friend that brings such
sweet quiet to me
i write

but my days
my days are filled with
spreadsheets, problem solving, copywriting
decision making, team meetings, etc…

what i plow through in my day to day
would burn most people away
it is not a life for many
of that i am sure
but it seems
that no matter what
i put my attention on
extreme has always been a theme
and relaxing has never come easy

i had an epiphany recently
i used to move a ton of energy
through binging and purging
i would do it until i was weak
and blacking out
it was the only way i knew
to fall asleep

i would pass out
and wake up
hours later in so much pain
my face, my throat, my mouth, my belly
would ache in the most excruciating way

i remember rolling over and over
trying to erase the memories
whispering to myself
the lies we think will help,
tomorrow will be a different day

for 10 years i said
“tomorrow will be a different day”

last night
as i started to fade
i realized
it has been years
since i told myself that

i don’t need tomorrow
to be a different day
i don’t hate my day to day
but i got too busy to notice
i got too hurried to see
i missed that i had become
a person i didn’t want to be

a person drunk on numbers
freaking about the littlest of things
and just plain pathologically dissatisfied

but recently…

i have breathed so much more into the moment
and worry gets so much less air time with me
because i am in motion
i am in motion at the velocity i used to be
but now it is from a much kinder place
a stronger me
full of conviction and possibilities
and it feels how i imagine
dancing on clouds would be

i used to think
the way to heal
was to rid myself
of all this intensity
i wanted to stop all the energy
surging through every part of me
but now i see it wasn’t so much
about getting rid of anything
rather healing has come from

so if you’re anything like me
and feel like you
are perpetually too much
i urge you to embrace it
instead of rejecting it
because my best guess
is you were given so much
for a reason

we must learn how
to manage our energy
in ways that are life affirming and true

find the things to channel yourself into
that feed you deeply
and nourish you completely
because when we are fed truly
we do not need to turn to food,
addictions or strangers’ beds
to move energy
meant for doing good

most importantly
no matter what has been said to you
i hope you don’t let that flame
flicker out in you
because you burned too bright
or got scared of your own light

learn to master you
such that you get to choose
how you do you

this my friends
i am pretty certain
is how we break free
from the addictions
compulsions and disorders
that can so easily trap
you and me

learn to embrace
the precious uniqueness
that is you
so we and you
get every last bit of you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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