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i have been so deep in with crazy. i almost lost my mind. a rare experience that changes you in a way only someone who knows, knows… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i have been
so deep in with crazy
i almost lost my mind

a rare experience
that changes you
in a way only someone
who knows, knows…

and i am learning
how to know myself
so i can know myself
so i can know
when i am over my edge
beyond my capacity
next time

because there will be
a next time
in a long long time

it’s interesting to see
the cliche impulse in me
to make myself
feel better
feel wanted
by hurling my body naked
into arms simply somewhat lusting
in a desperate attempt
not to feel
what is most true…

i am so hurt

yes what is true
is i am so very hurt
and yes i was the one
to pull the trigger
to draw the line
but it wasn’t without
agony

and so it feels strange
to mourn now what i chose
but still i do

because i got backed
into a corner
i didn’t choose
and once there
i had to choose

and all my creativity
laced now with traumatic happenings
left me with only one option
only one option if i wanted to save
what was left of my now
fractured psyche

i miss my optimism
and dreams made of hope

these days i am mostly
haunted by memories
looping on happenings
trying to make sense
of each misstep i made
each time
i gave myself
away

it is a sobering storytime
an excruciating investigation
a terrible blow to what is left
of my esteem

and still i can feel
tonight
how it isn’t over
despite my hopeless wonderings
and often overcast outlook
despite my now terror
at the possibility of more pain
despite my mostly reclusive nature
and now justified avoidance
i can find faith

i can feel faith
swaddling me
in the softest knowing
shielding me so sweetly
as i weather
yet another storm

as i weather
this storm

yes
as i weather
this storm
faith
found me

again
so faithfully

❤️ emily joy rosen

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