i’m a gold star chaser
an approval junkie
a tell me you love me addict

always looking outside myself
to know i’m okay
to know i’m worthy
of this space i take up
this space that is me
and all my idiosyncrasies

you can usually find me
attempting to regulate how i feel
by adjusting the world around me
thinking if i just to this or that
or give more of this
or say less of that
or soften here
and show care there
if i just do it
just so
things
will finally make sense
all will be good
and i, i will be okay

because my sense of “okayness”
comes from how much
i’m able to make the world
(including the people)
around me “okay”

it’s exhausting
especially when
i fail
to do the things
especially when i cannot seem
to get it right
when i say the wrong things
in a messy way
when i can’t show up
in the way they wish i did
and i disappoint
yes
then
it is most
exhausting

and i have been
disappointing lately
failing miserably
letting people down
every which way
and well
for someone
who lives
for the
good girl
“you’re a good girl”
it has been
rather excruciating
to no longer get
my drug of choice

i’ve been withdrawing
as i go through withdrawal
i’ve been withdrawing
and it has required
i go inward
deeper than before
to resource worth
beyond what
i can or cannot do

because i failed
i did fail
the thing i wanted most
to achieve
i failed at dreadfully

and that doesn’t
usually happen with me
usually with enough hard work
and efforting
i’m able
to make most anything
i insist on happening
happen

and i didn’t
and i didn’t get my hit
and i didn’t have the energy
to chase anymore
i didn’t even
have the will
to want
anymore

and so we go under
and learn how to swim
in the places we didn’t
know we could live

and so i became
self validating
unlike ever before

because to be okay
to face my day
i had to give myself
the thing the thing
i was seeking
i had to show up for myself
in at the way i was needing

and it feels like a new thing
an important thing
for which
i give myself
a gold
star

❤️emily joy rosen

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