sometimes
when things get bad
real bad
we can forget the good
because we have to
because remembering
how enraptured
and hopeful
we used to be
is just too painful
in contrast
to the reality
of what
is here
now

so if i am honest
with myself
i wanted to forget
because missing
was just too painful
in the face
of the more
sober reality
i found
myself in

i was raised
by parents
who valued knowledge
education and wisdom
they taught me so much
about the world
life and history
i was given a richer
and more honest education
than most people i know
yet somehow
i still got hooked
on fairy tales

i have always
loved the romancing
swooning easily
disappointed always
that life was not
more like a movie

fantasy has been
a dear friend
comforting me
nightly
saying all the
“right” things
so i can know
finally know
i am okay
it is safe
there is love
here
for me

i suppose
this makes me
a most hopeless
romantic
but i didn’t mind
because for all the pain
my overeager heart
brought me
it has also
given me
so much
beauty

the kind
of beauty
that defies eyes
the kind that cracks
us open
leaving nothing
but bliss
and the undeniable
knowing
that this
this is
what matters most

i imagine
if i didn’t have
such an affinity
for fairy tales
i would never have been willing
to open so much
i would never have been inclined
to place my heart
in another’s hands
i would never have considered
that risking breaking
(heartbreaking)
would be worth it
if i didn’t believe
there was something
worth free falling for

i know that
there is so much
i don’t understand
about love
and being human
it all seems
increasingly complicated
to me
and lately
in the face of that
i notice
the willingness
to risk and risk again
waning
fantasies swiftly
becoming nightmares
that find me
as early morning
creeps in
haunting me
with cautions
that make
living openheartedly
most challenging
recklessly risky

but then i remember
a promise i made
to myself
many years ago
when the first man
i ever really loved
left me
i remember
promising myself
(many months later)
promising
that i would never
let anyone
take possibility
from me
i would never let
anyone or anything
that happened outside of me
take that faithful knowing
from me

and so i let myself
remember possibility
in flickers sweet
i let myself love
even in this
more scary
disconcerting
chillingly confounding
seriously sober
reality

i let myself
choose possibility
over a guarded
pain prevention
pretend protection

yes i let myself
choose myself
and what i am wanting
not now
but someday

yes my someday wantings
matter more to me
than my attempts
at hurt avoidance

yes that feels true
that feels like my heart
taking a stand for me

that feels like (maybe
for the first time ever)
my heart loving me

yes, yes
this
my heart
is loving
me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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