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they say honesty is the best policy but i didn't want to know, i didn't want to hear or see the truth is he just didn't want me, not enough, really. and most definitely not in the way i wanted him to… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

they say
is the best policy
but i didn’t want to know
i didn’t want to hear
or see

the truth
is he just
didn’t want me

not enough really
and most definitely
not in the way
i wanted him to

and i couldn’t leave
not as the tears poured
out of me
not as my heart ached
every night
not as my spirit
longed for
a love
to call home

i stayed

you see
sometimes we love
people who
are not
the best for us
and sometimes we love
people who
and challenge us
in the best, most difficult ways
and sometimes
it is really hard to tell
are these growing pains
or the pains of a girl
about to get shattered
and unravel

i don’t know why
i love the people i do
i try to break it down
be analytical
choose wisely

but i don’t
i can’t
and i am not even sure
it’s worth
the effort anymore

the pain
has begun to feel

i wandered down
my driveway
the other day
it was after 2am
(i live on farmland)
and the world was perfectly quiet
with just the sweetest summer breeze
my sky is so very sparkly here
and it has me looking up, mostly
in awe of the beauty
i get to breathe
it has me hopeful
and grateful
full of wonderment
and wanting

as i walked
i felt myself stand tall
i felt my shoulders back
and my head high
(looking at the sky
will keep your eye on the prize)

oh my heart
i found myself
to scream
into the darkness
oh my precious
little heart
(it’s breaking)

and then it happened
i actually felt the words
i felt my heart
full of something
so unusual
a love
that felt like it was coming
from deep within me

and i for the first time
maybe ever
i felt
self care
i experienced
self love

you know
him not wanting me
was the beginning
of me wanting me

yes that
him not wanting me
has me knowing
(at the very least)
i have to
want me

and still
i can reluctantly admit
i wish it had been different
i wish i could have been
a chosen one
i wish i could have felt his
forever wanting
in my body

but it was never gonna come
it was never gonna be mine
he was never going to choose me
no, not me

and i say this again
and again
just so i don’t
because i like to forget
what i don’t like to hear
i like to live on hope
and endless possibility
that love will
always conquer

the truth is
we can choose people
who don’t choose us

and so
sometimes i wonder
do i have an obsession
with specialness
that is harming me
i sometimes fear
it’s me that’s crazy
for wanting to be
adored so completely

but here
is what i do know
i know
i would cherish
that love
and i would do my best
to always return it

so i know
at the very least
i am not asking for
that which i am not
willing to give
i know at the very least
i am not a hypocrite
not here

i love love
but i notice lately
my heart
is a bit weary

i am not so much wanting
so many somethings
rather a simple knowing
my worth
is no longer
by numbers
of others

and then
it comes to me
i am actually clear
i, for maybe the first time ever
am a woman
who knows
what she wants

and it’s just so touching to me
that i can feel myself here
that i can know what is true for me
and what i want for me

i have never trusted
myself in relationship
i have never known
what i wanted
in love

and now my heart
is screaming at me
now my heart
is insisting
that i
oh so

this isn’t going
to be easy
i know
this isn’t going
to be fun
(i cringe)

and i concede
i did really want
to not
to feel
him loving me
so specifically
i did wish
to not want
him to want me
so badly

i wanted to be
more trusting
less needy
more confident
silly even

but i couldn’t
let it go
it just hurt too much
that he didn’t
want me
(at least not how
i want him to want me)

and that
that is just
the truth

that is just
what is true
for me

so i get to choose
you get to choose
we get to choose

what it is
we think
we need
and what it is
we want

❤️emily joy rosen

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