“you keep leaving you”
he said

“well, i don’t know what to do,
i don’t know what to do”
i said
touching irritation
in me

“okay, just be with that“

he said
slow
and unwavering

“i don’t know what to do
i just don’t know
i don’t know“
i said now
almost angrily

“okay just be with that
and that
be with that
and that too
be with that too”
he said
his gaze steady
his voice
the slightest bit soothing

“breathe emily, breathe
from your heart
be in your heart, please”

and i did
and so
the tears came
from deep inside
like a roar
surging out of me
crying ugly

i used to try
and look pretty when i cried
it made me a quiet whimperer
but never really much of a sobber
never much of a feeler really
everything bottled up inside
painted with a thick coat of
i want to be pretty
pretty and neat
and sweet
and good
i want to be the most good
so you pick me, please!
but i digress
this is not the point…

i want to tell you about how much
i don’t really want to feel
i want to be honest with you
that there is a lot of hurt in me
and i think
i have been refusing
to feel
how hurt i am
by doing busy
disappointment
and anxiety
fiercely

and i promise
i didn’t know
really

you see
we actually cannot see
some things
about how we be
we can have
actual blind spots
you and me
literal places
inside ourselves
we are not aware of
at least not consciously

and we can do things
and be a way
we are not actually aware of
until one day
someone looks at you
and says something to you
just so
so that you see
you see yourself
differently
you see that thing (those things)
you couldn’t see
and it feels like magic really
it is what i live for mostly

i am shedding swiftly
and my reality
is rather unpleasant lately
i am absolutely changing
i am genuinely transforming
so rapidly
so repeatedly
some days i think i am going
to be left
with someone
i don’t know
named me
emily

i don’t know much from textbooks
about what it means to be human
i never really studied
developmental psychology
or attachment theory
i think i will someday
but right now
what i can say
is that as far as i can tell
i am waking up
and growing up
and it feels
like an accelerated course
of grueling study

i went straight
for the wall
with no helmet on
this time
full speed
i ran
crashing into
the hardest parts of me
the ones i am most attached to
the pieces i thought for sure were me

and everything is slipping away now
everything is melting
and oozing
everything is alchemizing
into endless life lessons
and awarenesses
crafted just for me

and i feel raw, so raw
and i feel humbled
finally in a more sincere way
because i don’t mean it
as a pleasantry
or a thing to say
so that people don’t think
i am full of myself

i mean it in a way
like i got served
and i don’t know
what is most true for me
anymore
right now
today

i don’t know
i don’t know
i don’t know

i suppose
sometimes
that is the best we can do
be true
to what is true

and today
i just don’t know
i just don’t know much
aside from
i don’t know
and that, that
is finally
okay too

 ❤️ emily joy rosen

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