because i was raised
to always try harder,
do better, be better

because sure i can see the cost
of all my striving and driving

because yes i can see the benefits
of all aspiring, all my ambition
and wantings

because i have lived in my house
for three years
and didn’t know i had lilac bushes
all around me

because i built a life
where i can leave the house rarely
and only to visit places i need to be

because i am a homebody
with endless curiosity
who wants to see everything
who feels an endless missing
that i can’t seem to enjoy life
as so very many of my peers
seem to

because there is always something
calling me to be
different (better) somehow, someway
and it seems nearly impossible
for me to just be

because my friend anxiety
can be at times crippling
but has never stopped me
from doing anything (really)

fearful and fast i go
until tired
and if i am most honest
i have been sleepy
for what feels like at least a year
maybe more like three (or thirteen)

and i forgot
that i could keep
all the yearning
the reaching
and the longings
alive
while not needing
to indulge them always

because the other day
i went for a walk
to soothe my aching heart
and slow the racing
of my (often) tormenting mind
and i found myself noticing
the colors
rich and lush
and the way light played
on bits of water (morning dew)
making everything sparkle
shiny and true

because sometimes
i don’t even notice
there is a world around me
let alone appreciate its beauty

because i forgot
i get to choose
what i want (and
what matters to me)

because not only did i forget
i get to choose
i am not so sure
what i want (anymore)

and maybe it’s winning
and maybe it’s family
and maybe it’s romance
and maybe it’s achieving
and maybe it’s nature
and maybe it’s money
and maybe it’s creating
and maybe its being

maybe (and
we shall see)

because these lilacs
have been in the yard
(of the house i own)
for three years
and i didn’t
know

❤️ emily joy rosen

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