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i needed nothing to get to me. it felt vital that i stay with the cool calm breeze blowing through my scorched reality. so i went slowly almost cautiously as delicately as a clumsy person like me could… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i needed nothing
to get to me
it felt vital that i stay
with the cool calm breeze
blowing through
my scorched reality

so i went slowly
almost cautiously
as delicately
as a clumsy person
like me could

you see my heart
got broken
the night before
just a little more broken
than before
not a shattering
rather a cracking
of a crack
that was already there
a splintering
of a cut
that had been made
months before
but hadn’t gone deep
not until
i let myself
really feel
what i already

there was a moment
when i thought
oh this hurts
so much
i would do most anything
to not be feeling this right now
but as i tried to make it stop
it got more severe
till it was all i could do
to breathe

and he
he was still talking
so i thought
i better listen
i better listen carefully
to make sure
i do not miss a thing
to make sure this time
i am not attached
to fantasy

and so
i took my attention
off of me
and kept it on
his every word
so intently
i eventually forgot
to wish
i wasn’t feeling
as i did
so closely
so keenly
i could only
be with
what is

he paused
and i held my breath
as if certain
there was no air left
in the room for me

the moment
he stopped talking
i was back in suffering
fighting against the pain in me

but then i remembered
the most basic of basics
“what you resist persists”

i am resisting this
i thought, i really am
and it is really persisting

he had started talking again
and the pain was building
as i was bracing
for what
i knew was coming
i am gonna get so hurt
i thought

and then
i thought
okay, wait…
so if it is going to happen
what if i embrace this
what if i really feel
how extreme
this feels in my body
without wanting it out of me
what if i am able to welcome it
and how alive it has me feeling
what if i commit
to finding what is good here
what if i make sure
this doesn’t wreck me
but rather brings out
the very best
in me

what if i am really honest
with myself
that still
this is just
so very hard
to hear
to feel
to know
to be with
and no matter
how good
and supportive
and conscious
i want to be
this is really
for me

and it is likely not helping
that i am on top of everything
shaming myself
for finding this challenging

you know maybe
it will get easier
maybe i will be
softer and lighter
and just more spacious naturally
not only for those around me
but for me too

but what is most true
is this is at times
for me
and it is okay
that i wanted things
to be a certain way
and it is okay
that i find some things
more difficult
than i wish i did

it feels like my mind
is taunting me
because i don’t know
how to tell my heart
what my brain seems to know

and i am just
not so convinced
that listening
to my head
over my heart
(as if my head
is supposed to tell
my heart
what to do)
is the “right”
thing to do

the heart
is sending
as much neural traffic
to the head
as the head is
to the heart

and so i sat there
feeling way more
than i was used to feeling
it had me less efficient
it had me super tender
it had me crying most easily
feeling troubled
and craving comforting

and all that
that was also
i realized
what i am most committed to
is staying true

and that meant accepting
that i wanted something
i was not going
to get

and yes
it really hurt my heart
it set my mind racing
and my body panicking
in a way
that knocked
the breath right out of me
i thought at first it was anxiety
but then i realized
it might be
an actual
letting go

i was letting go

i don’t know
if i had ever actually
let something go before
i have had it taken from me
(a forced sort of letting go
which is really more
of an acceptance of what is)
or forgotten about it
or found something else
more compelling

but to let go
on my own
to feel my wanting
meeting my knowing
that this wasn’t right
this wasn’t good
this wasn’t so

and to let go
in the face
of a yearning
so core
a desire
so strong
a devotion
i had built
my world around
was hard

but i decided
then and there
i was not going to be
so hard
with myself

never again
in this way
no thank

❤️ emily joy rosen

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