it wasn’t me
it wasn’t him
it was us

sometimes
you and me
we make magic see
and sometimes
we pen our very own
tragedy

yes sometimes
we make a mess
so grotesque
it cannot be
something we would choose
consciously
rather
it must be something
we were tricked into
(or so we convince ourselves
for comfort)

or maybe,
wait yes maybe
it is true
maybe the one you loved
never really cared about you
maybe they were using you
yes, remember that time
and this time
oh wait, but maybe that was me
i did get snappy, i was cold,
oh was i the one to shut down first?
was it me who ruined everything?
no, maybe, oh wait
i am not sure
no i am not so sure
anymore

and slowly reality
dissolves
and the movie
in our mind
gets louder
and louder
such that we aren’t
ever really here
and questions come
screaming
through the fog

“how could he”
“how could i”
and a perfectly sweet love story
becomes a horror movie
on repeat
that you have a front seat to
after all it’s playing
just for you

so we tell ourselves
what helps us sleep…

it must not have been me
there is no way
i could be responsible
for such a disaster
and so we point fingers
we shame and blame
we label and diagnose
we may even try
to get even
all attempts
to have the crazy
make more sense
all attempts
to have the pain
ease

this includes me

relationships
have been
much pain
for me
patterns repeating
misunderstandings exploding
insults becoming identity

i tend to have chosen
heartbreak

men who i knew
from the get go
don’t like girls like me
i did my best to win over
trying desperately to craft a fantasy
that would prove me lovable
but instead had me acting
perfectly crazy

and i am just now
really seeing this
in a way that feels
most confronting  
but surprisingly
not unique
to me

really
i am stunned
by how many others
can relate to me here

and it has me wondering
how something
that feels so
profoundly personal
isn’t so unique to me
after all

and it has me
laying off the self loathing
and leaning into curiosity

curiosity
the place
where healing
and change
always
start for me

yes, then
the questions
are kinder
the answers
more forthcoming
and transformation
possible

for me
and him
and you
and her

yes, then
maybe we can make
more of the magic
less of the tragedy
and help each other
heal lovingly  

❤️ emily joy rosen

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