it’s time
i have to leave
i must

and anyone
who knows me
knows i hate
to run
even fast
is more for me
more my speed
after all
i have bad knees
from extreme
hyper mobility
constantly extending
twisting myself
into a pretzel, contorting
for the applause
for the love conditional

i freeze
i freeze

how does a knowing
become a doubt
so easily

i should stay
for sure i should stay
and try harder
dig deeper
fight longer

oh fighting
i hate that the most
because it breaks
my favorite feelings
it makes things i love
go away
at least with him
it crushes connection
and connection
feels like
a slow sort
of dying to me
or at least
the possibility
of it
screams louder
as that familiar
icy feeling
creeps in
making fear
most front and center
for me
making pain
of what used to be
something sweet

no please
not this
i think i said
to myself
or did i say it
out loud
i cannot remember
three seconds ago
oh no
where did my memory go
not this
please not this
not the thing
where the past and present
swirl together
causing trembling
making the shaking
hard to hide
making it impossible
to track, to know
could he hear me
can he hear me

he isn’t even able
to really look at me
of course he cannot hear me
he can’t even see me
not even now
as i am standing here
not even now
as i am stripped
most bare
my heart
for his taking
not even

i must go
go emily go
it’s time to leave
and take all your
heart pieces

oh but no
there i saw that
a flicker
of what i know
love to be
oh he does
he does
love me

i stay
i will stay
i want to stay

at least
till i know for true
if that flicker
was love for me
or someone
or something
or a used to be
not me now
at least not
this version of me

oh how i hope
this doesn’t
make more
splinters in me
i hope
this doesn’t
make more trauma
more bruises
for him
or me

oh how i hope
but my hoping isn’t
as strong
as it used to be
so maybe
i armor
a little
yes maybe
i go slower
be more discerning
in the giving of me

maybe that
maybe i stay
just one more day
or year
or forever maybe
maybe i leave
when the sun comes
maybe then
i go

but for now
i rest
sleep even
yes please
let tonight
be a night
i sleep

❤️emily joy rosen

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