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it’s time. i have to leave now. i must run again and anyone who knows me knows i hate to run, walking even fast is more for me, more my speed. after all i have bad knees from extreme hyper mobility constantly extending twisting myself into a pretzel, contorting for the applause for the love conditional … | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

it’s time
i have to leave
now
i must
run
again

and anyone
who knows me
knows i hate
to run
walking
even fast
is more for me
more my speed
after all
i have bad knees
from extreme
hyper mobility
constantly extending
twisting myself
into a pretzel, contorting
for the applause
for the love conditional

i freeze
again
i freeze

how does a knowing
become a doubt
so easily

no
i should stay
for sure i should stay
and try harder
dig deeper
fight longer

oh fighting
i hate that the most
because it breaks
my favorite feelings
it makes things i love
go away
at least with him
it crushes connection
and connection
broken
feels like
a slow sort
of dying to me
or at least
the possibility
of it
screams louder
as that familiar
icy feeling
creeps in
making fear
most front and center
for me
making pain
of what used to be
something sweet

no please
not this
i think i said
to myself
or did i say it
out loud
i cannot remember
three seconds ago
oh no
where did my memory go
not this
please not this
not the thing
where the past and present
swirl together
causing trembling
making the shaking
hard to hide
making it impossible
to track, to know
could he hear me
can he hear me
now

he isn’t even able
to really look at me
of course he cannot hear me
he can’t even see me
not even now
as i am standing here
needing
not even now
as i am stripped
most bare
prying
my heart
open
for his taking
not even
then

oh…
i must go
go emily go
it’s time to leave
and take all your
heart pieces
elsewhere

oh but no
there i saw that
a flicker
of what i know
love to be
oh he does
he does
love me

i stay
i will stay
i want to stay

at least
till i know for true
if that flicker
was love for me
or someone
or something
new
or a used to be
something
not me now
at least not
this version of me

oh how i hope
this doesn’t
make more
splinters in me
i hope
this doesn’t
make more trauma
more bruises
for him
or me

oh how i hope
but my hoping isn’t
as strong
as it used to be
so maybe
i armor
a little
yes maybe
i go slower
be more discerning
in the giving of me

maybe that
maybe i stay
just one more day
or year
or forever maybe
maybe
or
maybe i leave
when the sun comes
maybe then
i go

but for now
i rest
sleep even
maybe
yes please
tonight
let tonight
be a night
i sleep

❤️emily joy rosen

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