“you’re a darkness dancer”
she said
pointing her tiny finger
unquestionably at me

i felt myself shrink
in her knowing
and started to scramble
for words, words of promise
to offer her…

fumbling frantically now
in her adamant accusation
i hastened to explain
just barely managing
to stammer out the words…
“i don’t think you understand, i, i am…”
when she pressed her finger
upon my lips
silencing me
with the softest

all of a sudden
i was under water
i felt myself weightless
my body beautiful
it was so dark
but i saw a light quivering
in the distance
and i began swimming towards it
curious and always drawn
to anything that shimmers sparkly

i didn’t know
i was scared
until i began moving
and realized
i was
short on air

the light
was brighter now
and dancing quite quickly

i couldn’t tell
for sure
if i was moving towards it,
it didn’t seem to be any closer
even though i was kicking harder now
swimming faster and faster
but i thought for certain
i had to keep moving
that i must stay in motion

as fear swept over me

the water started to feel oily
and the darkness heavy
my legs and arms fatigued
i was tempted to close my eyes
and let the water
take me

started to crowd my mind
so so many questions
all beginning with
why, why, why…

i have been trying
to understand
since I can remember
making dear friends
with disappointment
as it became clear to me
there is so much
i will never know
there is so much
that will always remain
a mystery

tears came
as I realized what i’d been
so very reluctant to admit…

i don’t want to do this anymore
i just don’t want to do this anymore
i can’t…
I just can’t
and slowly
i stopped
i let my hands
my eyes

i saw myself as a little girl
in the field near my home
the one i went to so often
all alone
i would imagine
it was mine
it was for me
this whole field
my magical playground
filled with possibility

i would stare up
at the sun
and spin
till my eyes hurt
from the brightness
and i would lay down in the grass
to rest
full of such

i remember how then
even the darkness was filled with light
how even with my eyes closed
i saw so much delight

bright lights
in fantastic shapes
were hidden behind
my eyes
and i remember thinking
i must be special
or at least very lucky
that my eyes when closed
put on such a show
just for me

all of a sudden I noticed
i was floating up
not down
i had planned to drown
but the water was lifting me

and then a voice…

it was the little girl
from before
she had come

“find the light”

she said,
so clearly,
so precisely
with such utter certainty

“find the light”

and as our eyes met
i knew
there was no way
i was going to let her see
me give up
on life
this way

there was no way
i was going
to let her watch
me choose dying

so i fought
i fought hard
and i grew strong

and I must tell you…
i found the light
i promise i did
and it,
it saved me

so if you haven’t yet set
your intentions for this time
or already “broken” the ones
you thought were for sure

if you aren’t sure
what matters anymore

if you’re tired
of the fanfare
and sick
of all the promises
not kept

if you can’t muster the will to make
yet another list
of things you should do
or dreams you wish to come true

then i offer you
my intention
my resolution

my resolution
every day
of every year
for as long as I am still breathing…

find the light,
always and evermore
find the light
find the light

 ❤️ emily joy rosen

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