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who we are in the breakdown that is what’s interesting to me (now) everyone well, most everyone can be delightful and carefree in connection, love, and ecstasy… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

who we are
in the breakdown
that is what’s interesting
to me (now)

well, most everyone
can be delightful and carefree
in connection, love,
and ecstasy

but who they are
when things crumble
this is what i pay attention to

my mother always told me
to watch for this
when things fall apart
who shows up
who gets nasty
who gives up

i was so hopelessly trusting
i lived on fantasy
i really couldn’t seem to get
that people are who they are
not who they say they are
and actions
are most everything

now remember,
this is coming from someone
who is a word lover
i have fallen for sweet talk
more times then i care to reveal
but i am sincerely no longer interested in
living in someone’s architectured reality
no thank you

and yes, it’s true
i used to freak on people
in the breakdown too
especially in my late twenties
i honestly kinda lost it
kept loosing it…
seeing danger and deception

i really wasn’t very good at all
in the breakdown…

after years of suppressing everything
after years of trying to get people to like me
and never sharing my true feelings
i just spilled out over everything
and it was so mortifyingly messy
i was no longer in control
i just couldn’t contain myself

i would sit in self loathing
after another one of my outbursts thinking,
what the eff is wrong with me
i was baffled
why did i keep doing
what i said i didn’t want to do
what I hated myself for doing

but when pressed against the wall
when things started breaking down
i would lose my cool so suddenly
i didn’t even have time to see it happening
i just knew i was not safe
not okay
danger danger
my life for sure in jeopardy

and interestingly…
many of the people around me
were equally out of control
but with different manifestations
of their out of controlness

they would get even instead of honest
intentionally sabotaging things
they knew were precious to me

they would lie in the face of questioning
even when I had tangible evidence

they would not show up for important things
they knew mattered deeply to me

and they would disappear
when i was in need

i had created an outer world
that was a reflection
of my inner world
and there was sickness
all around me

it was so confronting
it was so disturbing
it was deeply humbling
like bring-me-to-me-knees humbling

but I am not one to stay
on the floor for long
so I got rigorous
i did a painful
self inventory
and looked compulsively
at all the places
i was out of integrity
and behaving poorly

i went through
deep self loathing
intense self pity
consuming rage
and hurt so bad
i was actually physically ill

but, i made it through…

and I can tell you
that what is remarkable to see
is that my world now reflects this
my world now shows me
exactly the person
i am becoming

and i know
this will be a journey
it always is, at least
as long as we are living
nothing is for sure
and my best guess is
i will hit the floor
again and again

but now i know
what to do
now i know what to do
when everything is
blowing up around me

and I hope you can see
the possibility in this for you

the one thing you always
have authority over
is you

and just like
you wouldn’t allow your home
to go months without a deep clean
we must do the same with our inner world

and what is really fascinating to me
is that when we do that,
things reorganize
of their own accord

friendships that are no longer serving you

romantic relationships that are toxic
burn out

business collaborations that are not true

and what you are left with
is you
and a world
that reflects
the work
you choose to do

so my suggestion…

instead of focusing on fixing
everything around you
focus on becoming
the kind of person
you would want to be around
not only when it is all good
but in the breakdown

because as my mom said
that is when peoples true colors
shine through

and i want to make sure
not only
to paint the world beautiful
when the sun is shining
but when storms come through
because they always will
and it is way easier
when you have those around you
who are prepared to weather
it with you

i guess what i am saying
is be a rainbow
my friend
so as the rain softens
and the clouds part
you show up
in all your colorful glory
just in time
to remind us
that beauty is real
and magic is here

that is how i want to be
in the breakdown

like a rainbow
my dear

❤️ emily joy rosen

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