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i fell for her and it reminded me of the first time. i had fried dough raised without white flour and sugar. i had never had anything so fluffy, so sweet, so unexpected… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i fell for her
and it reminded me
of the first time
i had fried dough

raised without
white flour and sugar
i had never had anything
so fluffy
so sweet
so unexpected
as bread filled with air
covered in what looked like snow
that melted on my tongue
with only the faintest of pressure
filling my face with such sugariness

that was her
unexpected and sweet
thoroughly tender
with just the right amount of warmth
and touches of crispness
that had me craving more
more and more

i am straight
sometimes disappointingly so
but i have fallen in love
with women
more than men
in ways that feel
closest to fairy tales
and stories where you finally meet
the person who completes you
the person you can share
your everythings with

and it for sure felt
like she completed me
i for sure shared everything
i could think to share with her
wrapping my heart around her
writing stories of our future
as friends forever

i always wanted a bosom friend
a proper confidant, a dearest sister
a best of best girlfriend

i imagined…
we would know everything
about each other
sharing secrets always
finishing each other’s ponderings
as we mind melded
heart shared
and knew for certain
at least we had
each other
yes that,
i always wanted
with a girl

and my search for her
had me hurling
my open
undiscerning heart
at any girl
who dared
smile at me

it was desperate
i admit
i was desperate
and needy, wanting and longing…

and when we are desperate
we tend to be less committed
to reality and integrity
and more committed
to satisfying our “needs”

and i needed her to love me
i needed her to hold me
as her bestest of best friends
so i could feel secure
in what i was feeling

it was torturous
in a way that left
some holes in me
scares just beginning to form
because inside wounds
take longer to heal
it seems…

lately i find myself cold
just touching apathy
when i think about
connecting deeply
with new people

i find myself
tired
at the idea
of trying to see
if this is going to end badly
because for me
it hasn’t always gone so pretty
it hasn’t ended so sweetly

and just like that
excessive amount of fried dough
i ate at the amusement park
that first delighted me
then sickened me
some friendships
have left me
empty and feeling ill
wishing i hadn’t taken the first bite
that so enticed
that left me wanting more
and more

but then i remember
that if i hadn’t been willing
to risk my heart
i could have never found the ones
i now hold so dear

and i am reminded
that comparing people
to fried dough is rather silly
but also rather apropos

because now i know
people come and go
and while i do prefer
the forever kinda loves
i have had to let go enough
i now know
i can let go
i can move on
and rebuild
a life
that each time
gets better and better

there has been a lot of loss
these last couple years
the most i have ever lived
and i know that my dance with apathy
is me trying to protect my heart
in a way i know will have me
ultimately suffering more

and so i let go
and hold on tighter

because at the very least
i want to be able to say
i gave it my all
all i have
to give
i did

❤️emily joy rosen

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