i was like living
in a nightmare
for him

it was just bad
and he was sad
so sad
and angry
that it was bad
he knows good

and she
(she like me)
was hungry
so starving
for that which
she didn’t have
she forgot
to be aware
and appreciative
of what she did have
what was good

and i watched her
murder her relationship
by obsessing
about what she didn’t have
instead of acknowledging
what she did

and i must say
it’s really quite horrifying
to watch another woman do
that which i have found myself
doing (without even thinking to)

and to be clear
this is not a tribute
to settling
i am not going to suggest
you make do
with what is not okay with you

but rather
this is an ode
to actually loving
loving unconditionally
something i don’t think
i ever did

ya know,
if i am most honest
i think (cringe)
i have only ever
felt like love
(for me)
was conditional

and that is not to blame
anyone who did love me
some might have
totally loved me
but i never felt it
the point is
i never experienced that

and i don’t know
that i have honestly
ever given that, really
(oh wait that is not true
i have with family (i think)
but outside of that
no, not really)
but i can say
i am for sure beginning
to feel the ability
to love
less conditionally
i am beginning to be able
to love unconditionally

and with this…
the tears come
mixed with salty fears
and all the reasons not to

but then
i look
at some of the love
in my life
and i think
oh this
this is worth learning to love
this is something
i could practice loving into

and still (pause)
i must confess
it breaks my heart
into pieces and
open and whole
it insists
on me letting go
at least for a moment
completely letting go
of all the stories
they told me
would come true
if i just did it right
if i just made sure
to please you
and you and you
just so

and now…
now i feel, i feel it all
i feel loved in a way i never have
and i feel hurt in a way i never have

but the hurt is turning
inside out and all around
it turns and churns
and is becoming
a deeper, richer
a knowing
deep in my belly
a coming home
that has changed
for me

and now
i am now committed
to something way more compelling
than getting what i want
i am now committed
to being what i want
being who i wish
to be

and loving
loving as completely
as love asks of me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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