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and he pressed on and i went frozen. this has happened before. i think as all became foggy and pleasure made its way up my spine as turn on became quivers of shame down my arms ,making static of my insides… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

and
he pressed on
and i went frozen
this has happened before
i think
as all became foggy
and pleasure made its way
up my spine
as turn on
became quivers
of shame
down
my arms
making static
of my insides

i think
i said no
i think i did
say no
no i did
say no
i did

yet frozen
i stayed
far away
my body moving
only because
of the pressure
from his

oh
is this happening
this is happening
now
i don’t want, no..
i don’t know
how to stop
this
as shudders of panic
became
shivers of pleasure
despite my terror
before no
no no no no no
my no came again
and then pain
piercing pain
no wait
please wait
please stop
i thought
as silence
had its way
with me

i can’t believe
this is happening
i said no
oh no
oh
i must
stop this
i must…

but i didn’t
i couldn’t
frozen i was
scared stiff
for years

i stayed
i stayed silent
and scared

eyes never
to close fully again
never to deeply sleep
aware always
of the possibility

of him taking more
than we’d agreed

sometimes
it’s the not so violent
crimes
that hurt the most
sometimes
it’s the more subtle
unkindnesses
that harm the most

yes sometimes
because it’s hard to be clear
when things are not clear
and slowly
we lose our mind
along with our dignity
yes slowly
we begin questioning
everything
till all that is left
is unanswered
wonderings
of the woman
i used to be

a woman
who wanted
to know why
more than
anything

a woman
who almost lost
everything
including herself
to understand
why that one time
when he pressed on
she said nothing

she stayed

❤️ emily joy rosen

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