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i think what hurts the most is that who i have become to create what i have to support others (and myself) as i have has made me a person that doesn’t elicit the response i think i want from people (men mostly)… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i think what hurts the most
is that who i have become
to create what i have
to support others
(and myself) as i have
has made me
a person
that
doesn’t elicit
the response
i think i want
from people (men mostly)

you see
i am not flowy and feminine
i am not soft and easily delighted
i can’t remember the last time i felt carefree
i don’t play with my hair coyly
or know when to let someone else
handle something for me gracefully

i don’t start dancing randomly
as if my body cannot help but be moved by beauty
i never dress up for fun
my day to day clothing is functional
never fanciful,
my dresses only for the poetry
only to appear a certain way professionally

i hate inefficiencies
and can’t relate to those
who giggle at time
as if they couldn’t be bothered
to care about anything but how they feel
moment to moment
as if what matters most
is that which is most joy producing
seemingly responsibility-free

and today
i feel sad about this
my world feeling so very heavy
with responsibility

yes today
i feel jealousy
or is it envy
i don’t know
i just notice
there are these woman
in the world
who are nothing like me
who seem to be adored
and wanted
in ways i imagine
i will never know

and
while yes
i know that i do not know
their inner worlds
or day to day reality
and sure
i might just be projecting
everywhere
or hormonally challenged
because it’s that time
of the month for me

i still wanted to share
this snippet of world today
in case there is anyone out there
like me
or who looks at me here
the same way
i look at this one particular lady
imagining she is getting
everything i want
by being something
i am not

and i know
comparison steals happy
and i know it isn’t serving me
and i know
all the things
to do to move through
and i can celebrate her
and i do
often i do
jealousy doesn’t have me wish
another poorly
it has me notice my desires
and strive to do better
be better

and still
today
for a minute or three
i want to wallow
i want to let myself go down
and feel
this part of me
that wishes to be
a woman i have never known
a woman it seems unlikely
i will ever be

i am about to start a program
to consciously look at my future
and the life i want to create
a thing i haven’t done for a few years
as anxiety and then depression
seeped into everything
i am better now
happier, more whole
and more ready to face
a future world

and just as i am about to begin
a dreaming
just as i am ready
to put pen to paper
and start to plan

i am faced with this
secret thought
the one i think
when i see men
look at women
not like me
as if there is
nothing more
wonderful
in this world

i am faced
with my
longing
that
sometimes
i wish
to be
her

yes sometimes
i wish to be
a woman
who is nothing
like me,

❤️ emily joy rosen

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