on sunsets
and trying hard

until recently
i have only known acute
boiling or freezing
flying high or underwater
addicted to all or nothing
i tend to lose myself
in wantings
because not winning
is (obviously) losing
(in my black and white
consistently punishing world)

and all i know
is that the love leaves
when i fail
to be or bring something
the other is wanting
(or so it seems
on repeat)

so no
i do not know
love unconditional
and no
i do not believe
it exists for me

i refuse to believe
in that which i haven’t seen
(or experienced)
because believing
all your fairy tales
nearly ruined me

because i am just a girl
designed to achieve
and so no prince charming
means clearly
something is wrong
with me

until
until, i decided
i was the only person
to save emily

and excuse me for bragging
(speaking highly of myself
still almost always feels icky)
but i can’t think of anyone
better
to save me
than me

you see
i know my slippery ways
and i know
how i tell stories
that seem revealing
and say sweetness
i want to mean
(holding feeling
at bay, in my attempts
to stay and run away)

trying, always trying
trying so very hard
to be someone
i was never meant to be
to be with someone
i was never meant to be with
(on repeat)
convincing myself
i am learning
and growing
always
even in the shaming
and chronic disapproving
of (what makes me) me
i keep trying
to change the only thing
i can change
the only thing i seem
to have any control of
me, emily

but i think the sun
is setting (finally)
on this way of being
for me
yes
i think i am gonna take a break
from trying so hard
and swinging to such extremes

it’s a more sober
sort of reality
where we tell less story
and appreciate things
simply for what they
appear to be

pretty
ugly
basic
funny
hard
silly
crazy
kind
mean
sincere

subjective reality
becoming simpler (now)
as i accept
it’s almost always
all true

and though it’s lonely here
(for now)

at least
i know
it is real
at least
i know
it is real
to me

❤️emily joy rosen

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