on sunsets
and trying hard

until recently
i have only known acute
boiling or freezing
flying high or underwater
addicted to all or nothing
i tend to lose myself
in wantings
because not winning
is (obviously) losing
(in my black and white
consistently punishing world)

and all i know
is that the love leaves
when i fail
to be or bring something
the other is wanting
(or so it seems
on repeat)

so no
i do not know
love unconditional
and no
i do not believe
it exists for me

i refuse to believe
in that which i haven’t seen
(or experienced)
because believing
all your fairy tales
nearly ruined me

because i am just a girl
designed to achieve
and so no prince charming
means clearly
something is wrong
with me

until, i decided
i was the only person
to save emily

and excuse me for bragging
(speaking highly of myself
still almost always feels icky)
but i can’t think of anyone
to save me
than me

you see
i know my slippery ways
and i know
how i tell stories
that seem revealing
and say sweetness
i want to mean
(holding feeling
at bay, in my attempts
to stay and run away)

trying, always trying
trying so very hard
to be someone
i was never meant to be
to be with someone
i was never meant to be with
(on repeat)
convincing myself
i am learning
and growing
even in the shaming
and chronic disapproving
of (what makes me) me
i keep trying
to change the only thing
i can change
the only thing i seem
to have any control of
me, emily

but i think the sun
is setting (finally)
on this way of being
for me
i think i am gonna take a break
from trying so hard
and swinging to such extremes

it’s a more sober
sort of reality
where we tell less story
and appreciate things
simply for what they
appear to be


subjective reality
becoming simpler (now)
as i accept
it’s almost always
all true

and though it’s lonely here
(for now)

at least
i know
it is real
at least
i know
it is real
to me

❤️emily joy rosen

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