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this has been a journey inward like i have not taken before. pain makes things more real it seems. like everything, i could kinda ignore before became so loud almost screaming. it was impossible to silence anymore… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

this has been a journey inward
like i have not taken before
pain makes things more real
it seems
like everything
i could kinda ignore before
became so loud
almost screaming
it was impossible to silence

and pain
it makes sharp
what was once blurry
and it makes visible
that which i was wanting
not to see
that which i have been avoiding
with all my busy
and trying to be understanding
even at extreme cost to me
that i am just now
forced to see

and i wonder now…

i wonder if he knows how much
he lost me
how much he had of me to lose
and when it was i crossed over
to that place of no return
i wonder if he has any clue
how hurt i am
fractured i feel
disturbed for sure
that i stayed so much longer
than i knew i should

and i wonder
if she knows
i flew there for her
thousands in
sick and exhausted
after she had bailed so blatantly
the summer before
and i wonder if she knows
it really hurt my heart
and it still aches in that tender place
only sisters deep in
get to be

and i wonder
if i am going to do the responsible thing
or the generous thing
or the true thing
or what i want
i wonder
and i wonder how many people it will impact
as i start to map it out
and i look at all the people
i now support
directly and indirectly
and i wonder if they care
about me
like if i stop the things
who will be left on this map
and i wonder
what it does to my psyche
this never being sure
if people really truly
about me

yes that i wonder
and this too

i wonder who i will be
it’s been so long
since there wasn’t
so much to consider
him and her
and them
and these

all the hearts

i love hearts
i do
i love the way they beat
without request
and love without reason
i love how they birth beauty
and make art
i love how they feel when opening
and how how we get to
make and take home
in them

i love hearts
i do
and this one
is closing for business for a minute
a different kind of business
than i have done before

because there was something
i was missing for sure
and it calls for some
serious rehab
that i feel a bit
daunted by
but also ready for
way more ready
than ever before
way more broken
and strong
way more disillusioned
and delighted
way more unsure
and bold
than before
than ever before

yes way more
than before…
for sure

just another journal entry
from my bed
i haven’t left
june 18th

❤️emily joy rosen

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