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so what i haven’t shared is that i live with a great deal of anxiety that has been made way worse by some really poor decisions i made for my nervous system, these last few years. and i didn’t share… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

what i haven’t shared
is that i live with a great deal
of anxiety
that has been made way worse
by some really poor decisions
i made for my nervous system
these last few years

and i didn’t share
because i’ve been anxious
to share because
i’ve felt embarrassed
that i kept choosing
that were so very
not good for me

and part of me knew
and a part of me wasn’t sure
and a part of me thought
with enough effort and will
i could make it all good

and a big piece
of my identity
a big part
of who i thought
myself to be
was a person
who could always
make good
make things good

and well
i just couldn’t
let go
of that…

so i was stuck between anxieties
the anxiety of what i was in
which seemed to be splintering
my nervous system
versus the anxiety of not being
able to make it something good
which i imagined would
not only stop the constant panic
but also have me
feel better about myself

because what i also didn’t share
was that what was left
of my self esteem
was at this point just fragmented
bits and pieces of stories
of who i used to be
and so i felt a lot desperate
desperate to hold on
to scraps of my identity
like being able
to make good
of anything

and i was in over my head
and i didn’t know
i didn’t know i could drown
at least in the past
i’ve only known myself
to be someone
who will just keep forcing myself
to swim to shore…

and this time
i thought i was swimming
there was lots of splashing
and a glimmer of progress
but i was drowning

and now
now i am facing myself
and being willing to see
and admit (to you and me)
i took some really very hard hits

and now
i am like a rope frayed
still made out of the same material
but worn thin
easily breakable
by things
that i used to carry easily
and it’s been hard

hard on my body
and my heart
hard on my psyche
and my identity
hard on my life
in nearly every aspect
it’s been hard

and scary
i have spent more days
in terror these last couple of years
than in my entire life
and it gave me a tremor
and it stole my brain
and broke down my body
as confusion crept into

in the last month
in the last month
has shifted
as i poured myself into
this thing
i am going to share with you
tomorrow morning

i have been
saying i would do this thing
i would launch secret keepers soon
for a long time

but each time
i would go to do it
something would happen
that would send me spinning
for a few more months
and with all my other responsibilities
i had to expend the energy
i did have on my prior commitments

but last year
on new years
as i welcomed 2019
in tears
i made a promise
to myself
that this year would be different
that this year
i would make good
and i would
launch this company

and well
i didn’t make good
at least not in the ways
i thought i wanted to
and anyone who knows me
knows that is most devastating to me…
i take my commitments
extremely seriously
and well, this time
i just couldn’t find
my way through
to good

and so
the idea of also not
launching secret keepers
was just unacceptable to me

and so
i began
a couple of months ago
i dug my heels in again
with the little bit of grit
i could still muster
and began the process
the process
of creating the thing
i said i would

i began
i began
and each day
as my mind would wander again
to endless looping
on where i went wrong
what i should have done better
and how i could have missed
the endless untruths fed to me
each time my mind
would wander there
i would notice
stay for a minute
remind myself
of what i know to be true
take a deep breath
and redirect
my attention
to writing copy
piece designing
or learning how to
run this company

i made a practice of it

and slowly
very slowly
after a year of looping
on all my shortcomings
and obvious things i refused to see
after two years of extracting
every bit of insight i could
from the waves of panic
and endless anxiety
i began
to come around

yes slowly
i have begun
my mind
my body
my life

and i am
just so
i don’t know the right word
grateful? stunned?
i am really just so glad
i did this thing
that i said i would do
and secret keepers
will be launching
tomorrow on kickstarter
before the end of the year
before we wrap up 2019
truly the worst year of my life
the worst year
till now

now i feel
dare i say proud

yes now
2019 isn’t so bad
now it will be the year
i did the super hard thing
when i thought i was done for
and i made art
i made art of my suffering
and it’s started to heal me
yes and slowly
the anxiety is softer
the mind more manageable
the heart almost feeling

and yes i know
i know i have a ways
to go

and i just wanted you
to know the other side of the story
behind secret keepers jewelry
because you are going to see
all my excitement
and sparkle here
and it feels extra tender
from where i just was

and i would want
you to know that

as i write my
ending to 2019

ya know
it seems like maybe
i did make good

maybe after all i did make good
and it was just a different kind
of good than i thought i would

yes, this
this is good

❤️ emily joy rosen

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