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he took something from you didn’t he? a thing you couldn’t get back and you made that mean something about you… so much so it got confusing as who you used to be became a memory you weren’t so sure you were remembering accurately… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

he took
something from you
didn’t he?
a thing you couldn’t get back
and you made that mean something
about you…
so much so
it got confusing
as who you used to be
became a memory
you weren’t so sure
you were remembering

and you
you understandably turned
you turned on everything
that reminded you of him
in your best attempt
at keeping what was left
of you, the bits and pieces
of what you knew to be true
of you

and now
now you are looking back
at the wreckage
and seeing
that you
you let your wounds
turn you into
someone you are not
someone you most definitely
do not wish to be

and it hurts to know
you are now the perpetrator
you are now the predator
you became the attacker

right? true?

and she looked at me
as only a person seen could
dis-armored and pure
and i remember fear
melting from me
as i opened my mouth to say
“you didn’t know
how else to survive did you?
tell me” i said
“you didn’t know
better did you”

i needed her
to confirm
my truth
the story
that i had built
the foundation
of our relationship on

so i pressed…
into her silence
i pressed
“did you?”

“just stop”
she screamed
as darkness filled her eyes
her pupils expanding so rapidly
i thought they might take over
even the whites on the side
“stop trying to make it better
stop trying to understand everything
stop trying to fix me
some of us are just broken and bad
some of us are forever wrecked”

her rage
hit the space between us
and the bubble that i lived in
as i scrambled for words
to make it all better
as i stretched again desperately
for understanding
as i reached for her
through the frenzied fury

you see…
i always thought everything
was fixable
helpable for sure

but that night
sitting there
facing her
tear stained
perfectly pink cheeks
erupting now with blotches
i got how impeccably
i made up everything
and how my commitment
to being the one
who finally got through
to her
was blinding me
to the reality
which was

she didn’t want
what i was offering
she didn’t want
to heal, repair,

and i was so busy
avoiding signs
so clearly in front of me
in retrospect
it’s embarrassing

i wanted to be different for her
i wanted to do this differently
i wanted to be the one
who didn’t walk away
as she rampaged
on my every parade

after all
i loved her
i loved her very much

i went to get out of the car
we had been sitting there for hours
and it had grown dark
the street lights cast a faint orange glow
over everything
the world looked sick to me
i felt ill
i felt how deep
i had let her live
inside me

and i felt how much
my obsession
with being good
being useful
being the one
who stayed through everything
had me acting like i couldn’t see
what was right in front of me

she didn’t care for me
she wasn’t capable of caring really
and i wanted to believe differently
because in her silence
i felt safe
after all
i made up everything
she wasn’t saying

i was making up that we
had shared reality
about the journey
to wellness we were on
and a heart bond so profound
we could weather any hurricane
and i was wrong

and i got burned
so now i ask
the hard questions first
before i bond

like, do you want to heal?

i feel pretty certain
that one of the biggest choices
we will ever have to make is…

do i want to heal?

and let me be super clear
and save you years
of senseless suffering
you cannot make that decision for someone else
you cannot force someone to care
you cannot coerce someone into healing

this is a personal choice
this is your choice

so yes
show your consistent care
cloak the world in undeniable love
shine your light excruciatingly bright
ask good questions
and live sincere answers

but do not violate people
with your projected fantasies

i never talked to her again
after that night
but sometimes
i catch glimpses of her
on these inter-webs
she hasn’t changed much
from what i can see
she never wanted
what i wanted for her

i thought i could save her
but now i can see
how that was for me
so i could feel good
and deserving
of love too
as if me
serving her
the space
i was taking
in this
so often

yes if i am
more honest
this was more
about me
than her

yes if i am
most honest
i was the one
who wanted

and i got it
i did

so i guess
this is a story
of me
saving me

yes i guess
this is actually
the tale
of emily

who you

who you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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