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even the sky. the choking feeling has been there for so long. i only notice i am self-suffocating when it gets so intense. i find it hard to breathe… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

even the sky

the choking feeling
has been there for so long
i only notice
i am self-suffocating
when it gets so intense
i find it hard to breathe

“it seems like you
need to scream”
he said
pressing his fingers
into me

the tension
in my body
has been building
so long
i could barely feel
his fingers
in me

i hate when people tell me
what i need
frankly i fundamentally
dislike that we even have needs

i said
reflexively rolling my eyes
“i’m sure that screaming
will fix everything”

the hopeless part of me
has been getting more airtime lately
and i am most aware
that i didn’t even know
it was there

i had no idea
i could feel hopeless
at all

my life
my world
has been built on hope
held together by faith

but lately
something (a feeling)
had begun to creep in
and it has my body clenching
my heart breaking
my spirit spasming

it feels like a death
and a birth

painful and messy
beautiful and extreme

i have been in the room
when someone died
and i have been in the room
when someone was born

and i remember
the last breath out
a rattle of sorts
an undeniable let go

and i remember
the first breath in
a gasping of sorts
an undeniable wanting

and enlivening
most real
and irrefutably sincere

okay, maybe
i do need to scream
i concede
and as i do
a softness comes through
my chest
into the
dearest caress
i know how to give myself

and just for a moment
i feel no distress
just for a moment
i feel only sweetness

and hope
hope comes through
and faith
a familiar friend
takes my hand

and i am reminded
it’s okay
even the sky screams
even the vast beauty
that surrounds me
needs to weep
needs to splinter
and shatter
and sob

and i find myself
what will come through
all of this
who will come through
all of this

and i pray
i pray i know
what to do
as it feels like
the world
i once knew
as most true
is unraveling
around me

scream maybe
cry for sure

be willing always
to feel it all
and to go through

i am in love
with this life
i remember

and sure
love doesn’t always feel so good
but as far as i can tell
it is always worth it
and all

so today
i rest
deep inside myself
today i give myself
and space
to not know
to not try
to not need

today i let go
and remember
that even the sky
needs to scream

and that
just because
and my world
feel so very stormy
it doesn’t mean
there is anything wrong
with me
(or you)

so yes, let the storms
come through
but always know
they are not you

we are
like the sky
just once in awhile
needing to cry

❤️ emily joy rosen

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