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he threw money at her splintered heart and she drank dollar bills like suvs guzzle gasoline. when she came in beaming he would shatter her glee with whispered insultings. she wondered where she went each morning as she looked in the mirror… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

he threw money at her splintered heart
and she drank dollar bills
like suvs guzzle gasoline

when she came in beaming
he would shatter her glee
with whispered insultings

she wondered where she went
each morning
as she looked in the mirror

it’s that sinking feels so many of us know
as we stand face to face with our human form
wondering where we have gone

to be in a body that does not feel like it’s yours
to believe your body is not you…
what a horrible attack to make on oneself

you think this form is here just for you
to look the way you please
to shape the way you please
you are terribly confused
if you think you are the master of your body
the body speaks
it is constantly talking

and you have just not trained yourself to listen

with him, i lost myself
i disembodied
and drifted off
so as not to feel the excruciating touch
of someone you know hates you,
caressing you
i would catch him looking at me
with such disdain
and i wondered often
where did it all go wrong

i still remember our first date
there was something so sweetly dangerous about him

i have never been one to go for the bad boys
never understood it at all
and so despite what everyone said about you

i believed you were who you pretended to be
and it nearly ruined me

not because you are a bad person
quite the contrary
i think you are remarkable
incredibly talented, bright and clever
you could talk the panties off of most everyone
i just didn’t realize that you were doing it with me

i thought for sure
i was different
i thought for sure
i was the person you chose to trust
the real you with

and i admit
i was high around you
being with you
feeling your breath on my neck
it was world shattering

but the whole time
my gut was saying no
my body was screaming no
every single piece of me
was telling me not to trust you

but i drank your nectar sweet
like it was oxygen
and you were the moon

the thing i struggle most with socially
is knowing who to trust
i feel like i trust too easily
and care too deeply
too quickly

but i cannot seem to stop the emotional hold
unless i distance myself painfully
so i do
i keep my distance
and am cold
cold, removed, preoccupied and in a mood

but it is mostly because
i am getting so many mixed signals
and i am just now coming back in my body
and really able to trust myself again
for the first time since i can remember

i have given my knowing away
to every man i have ever met
who told me i was pretty
and they would save me

it is embarrassing to admit
i cringe even as i write this
but it is the truth

i have been chasing approval forever
and haven’t been able to feel myself in years

but something is changing
so powerfully
so intensely
it feels like coming home

and it looks a lot like bliss
what i am smiling at
your ask?

and i say:

“me,
thank you”

i am smiling
at the sucker punch
of joy
that just hit me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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