i am gullible
decidedly naïve
because no
no way he could be
lying to me here
not about this
no, no way
he didn’t skip
a beat

not one
beat

his only mistake really
the only loophole
in his seamlessly manufactured reality
was he underestimated
her and me
and him
and her

and so it came again
another not so pleasant truth
made ugly
by the audacity
to lie
about it
while i was helping him
while i was yet again stepping in
to protect a man playing me
so pathologically
i couldn’t tell
because lying
seems to come
so naturally
he still breathes easy
slow and deep

a man whose demanding
unwavering certainty
i choose over my stomach knotting
heart cramping
and mind racing
yes over and over
because no way
not about this
he said that
i mean
he didn’t
skip
a
beat

and so it comes again
the shock
that i know
shouldn’t be shocking
and that creepy creeping feeling
or a truth less than digestible
makes its way up my spine
shivering down my arms

a knowing
my nervous system always knew
that i was being fed untruths
ones that consistently demonstrated
a lack of regard
for my steadily weakening psyche
ones that got sloppy
as i unraveled
scrambling to touch reality

a knowing
my mind couldn’t get
because we promised
the only promise i asked him to make
to please, just don’t lie to me
to no matter what
be honest
tell me if the things i am feeling
the somethings i am sensing
are true

(because that man in my twenties
did this to me
and it took me years
to recover from his gaslighting
and i just really needed
that to not happen again
so please promise me)

and he promised
and so i just refused to see
he had long since broken
that agreement to me
and the crazy making
was made not just
by me and my codependency

so yes
as i said the other day
i am incredibly codependent
and for sure have issues
with how i do loving

and no doubt
i already had a weakness in me
that had me justifying
so much of what didn’t add up
in favor of focusing
on what i hoped
would make him happy with me
and

and
i was being
lied to
since
the beginning

even that first weekend
definitely the second
over and over again that winter
in ways that had me shaken
from the get go
but i thought
because he said so
it was because
i was burnt out
just another burnt out ceo
who couldn’t remember things
or focus for long
anxiety screaming
because of years of overworking

and it made sense
i mean it was true
for sure as i cried that first weekend
i was just so very tired

a truth convenient
to align all my symptoms with
i mean after all
i had never been burnt out before
so maybe all the breaking
was just burnout
that almost made sense to me
or maybe, maybe it was
a warning
to get away
run
because something wasn’t right
and i was about to be very not okay

and maybe, probably
it was both
at the very least
the exhaustion had me
extra susceptible
to the mind fucking

i do know
i never had memory problems
like this before
i do know
while i have always had anxiety
i never had panic attacks like this
or an inability to finish my sentences
often stuttering my way through
hardly able to remember
where the sentence had started
or what i had been trying to say

and i do know
now
without skipping
a beat

not
one beat

he was
lying
to
me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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