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i did and it was i loved a lot and well saying the things i don’t always say because of a host of “legitimate” excuses like busy and tired. but the truth is those aren’t the “real” reasons i don’t do this often because… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i did
and it was
i loved a lot
and well
saying the things
i don’t always say
because of a host
of “legitimate” excuses
like busy and tired

but the truth is
those aren’t the “real” reasons
i don’t do this often
because…
i am terrified of intimacy
i get scared of connecting
where it can lead
and what it leaves me
open to

so i suppose
if i am being most honest
it is as though
i fear loving
and what it will do to me
mostly i am afraid
to love again
and more
and still feel
unmet

yes, that
i fear being
forever unmet

but then
i remember
that loving
isn’t about getting
or even meeting
loving is its own thing
complete unto itself
and i remember
how it feels
to love
with abandon
without the fear
that it will be unrequited
without the terror of knowing
the breaking (heartbreaking)

and today i loved
like i did before

today i loved
like someone
who had
never been
hurt (shattered)

today i loved well
and that,
that was enough
(it might in fact
always be enough)

i often hear people say
love is all there is
love is what matters most
love is why we are here

and it sounds true
and good
(it has my heart happy)
but then
i notice
i don’t see them (us) living
as if that is true

it seems
that while
we love
love
we don’t
always
prioritize it
or put our attention
on doing it well

and that
incongruence
saddens me

i love the notion
that we can
love well
as if there is a way
that we can practice loving
so that we love
better and better
truer and truer

that is something
i think is worth
a noble effort

a good thing
to spend my life
practicing and perfecting

so at the end of it all
i (at the very least)
can say
i loved well

yes, today
and today
and today
i loved well

❤️ emily joy rosen

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