i felt him unexpectedly
it wasn’t what i wanted
or so i thought
but as soon as i let him in
my whole body melted effortlessly
and i remembered what it felt like
to be seen on the inside

we spend a lot of time
dancing around intimacy
i admit, i did
i know the ways
we say the things
that sound vulnerable
only to create separation internally
because we know
what we are saying
isn’t truly true

it’s how we toy with hearts
it’s how some cultivate power
or so they think

but i am pretty certain
true power
doesn’t come from
attention captured
with easily said
intimate words

i am pretty sure
that so much of the suffering
i see
in relating
comes from how we use words
so carelessly
from how we make promises
we have no business speaking
and no clear way of keeping

so often when i talk to people
about this
their words
and promises
are actually coming from
a caring place

they said i lied because,
“i didn’t want to hurt them”
“i wasn’t sure”
“it was just easier than fighting”

but as far as i can tell
this is actually
how we get hurt
this is why things blow up so badly
and people shatter so completely
they don’t know how
to put themselves back together again

because when trust is broken
when words lose meaning
we go a bit crazy
and everything requires
and testing

so we move from person to person
trying to fix what feels broken
all the while knowing on the inside
we will never trust words again
at least not in the same way

and that my friends
requires mourning

the grieving process
is not one to short cut
and it is not one
that anyone else can tell you
when to end

but this i can assure you
if you are looking to skip the pain
if you are wanting to find someone else
to prove that promises are true
and words mean something again
you are not going to see clearly
and you are going to recreate tragedy
because healing is required
to be whole
and being whole is key
to listening wisely

listening is an art
and one i have just begun to learn
i used to listen only with my ears
and then make up stories
that conveniently fit
my desired reality

but this past year
i have been learning
to listen differently
with all of me
and i have to tell you
it’s changed everything

so when i am sitting in an interview
with a prospective employee
and the words sound so good
but my chest feels suddenly tight
i say no

when i am talking to a friend
and wanting to believe every word she says
but my belly feels ill
i say no

when a man i am crushing on
says all the things i had been hoping
to hear on repeat
but my heart feels hollow
i say no

when i am presented
with a business opportunity
that could change everything
and make me a ton of money
but i cannot feel energy
running cleaning through me
i say no

because my ears
love romance
and are obsessed
with possibility

but my heart is tender
my head a little tired
and my soul uncompromising

and i can no longer deny
what matters to me
and how much i want
to live in a world
where we do relationship

but first my friends
we mourn
we heal
and choose
to trust again

❤️ emily joy rosen

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